what's the opposite of a love spell

when i was fucking full aro i would sit there and wish that i could fall in love. i dont think i fell in love but i did get the worse end of the romantic shit. not that im not full aro anymore its just way way way more complicated. fucking now that shes "broken me in" it all feels so gross. i mean. i felt more gross before. god it feels so good to call it all gross again because jesus christ. ive been tolerating it for way too fucking long. i need to start doing myself a favor and never let anyone touch me again because it feels so awful after its over. but anyways. shes the only one i want to let touch me at all. it sucks so bad. bcuz its been 2 months and ... its still not gone. i miss the feeling of utter digust from the first few weeks. god that feels so much more like me. like I said on my insta (lmao)  it sounds like a fucking fan fiction for the "shes the only person i would willingly let touch me" thing. tho im gonna try to start not letting anyone touch me. especially her because i will feel worse after. even though id probably break that promise to my self immediately if given the chance. because with her it feels so nice. and with anyone else, i want them to feel okay with it. i dont want to be like ew dont touch me because in the moment im focusing on their pleasure. but soon after i will be focusing on mine.