As a child

As a child I was happy and loved life loved all my family.  I was innocent and had a lot of bad come to me.  When I was around 5 or 6 I was forced to lay on my back with my legs and arms in the air like I was a pig, if I moved at all I got smacked in the head with a table leg.  I was spanked with a belt that I wish hit my butt instead of my back, every smack left big welts that would pop.  I was also punched in the face by a grown man.  My mother watched as a knife was put to my neck and threatened to slit it.  Most of my childhood was bad memories I wish I could forget.  At 7 I was molested by the neighbor, when I told my mother she called me a lieing bitch and told me to get in the corner.  Thank God her husband at the time believed me, but I still grew up next door to him my whole life.  As an adult my mom's husband was friends with my abuser, so if I was there he was also welcomed.  This man tried to get me to sleep with him at this point so I stopped going to my mother's.  As an adult she still wouldn't treat me as a child.  She would get mad if u didn't do for her yet she didn't do for me.  I've never really knew what parents were.  My sperm donor was no help growing up, and my mother and her husband abused me.  The sad thing was I was the first born.  She had me a month before she turned 17 and u could tell I was always the mistake.  Cps wouldn't help me I tried.  I was told I was the bad child yet my brother has been to prison worst I did was go-to jail.  When u treat children different they act differently.  I tried to be the best mother I could and my mother tried to get them taken away.  Found out my sister's dad molested my daughter and my mom said it was all lies.  She even said she wouldn't take my kids from foster care cuz her kids dad was more important.  Mind u this happened to my daughter at 5 and I never knew till court when she was like 10.  I never really had anyone on my side my whole life, except my GMA.  That woman was more of a mother or father then I ever had.  She passed away when I was an adult but still killed me more then anyone ever has.  She was my rock.  I've learned a lot in my life that I shouldn't never had to do.  When I was around 13-14 I took a handful of vicoden and darvaset.  My mother never knew then when I was asked by a runaway home if I ever tried to commit suicide in front of my mom and she called me a lieing bitch then as well.  The one that is supposed to care and nuture u failed me.  Finally at 35 I'm finally seeing the real me, just hoping one day I can see my kids again and they'll be proud of me.