You might be wondering. Why are you writing things like this? Nobody asked you? Nobody said anything to you right? Are you posting this so that way people can run to you for a sympathy card? No. Nobody asked me. Nobody said anything to me on here. I think seeking attention is stupid. Just like the people on Snapchat stories or IG post showing them smoking a big joint puff. Like seriously? Are you that dehydrated from attention? LMAO. Please just stop and end the pain on that. Most importantly I got nothing to hide. I'm pretty much sure. Someone on here. Or whoever might ask about my past. Well I can type that out instead of repeating what I'm typing out now and can save the pain and heartache and the dampened psyche afterwards. But anyways before I go onto more dark stuff of my past and MY STORY. I just feel really defeated that I'm the one adding people to talk to me. Like what is the point? This is just down right embarrassment if you ask me. Like am I this unattractive people won't add me or send me a direct message? Like am I really that bad looking? That nobody won't click on my profile? Like holy $hit but that's how real life is to. Very rare will someone come up to me and strike a conversation. Most kids look at me like I'm foreign alien or something. I don't know how I'm just in regular dark colored active wear leggings and a t shirt and some Nike sneakers. Some pink and white ones the Nike color for logo is bronze red....there was no black color in my size GO FIGURE that's how shopping is for me if I really want something either A not in my size or B out of stock XD but for Mother's Day I was told by my dad that he will take me and my to go buy some black pair of Nikes. But back on subject like why? Do I look weird? Do my bags in my eyes look that bad? I mean my eye is just kind of sunken in from lack of sleep but I been thinking what to do to fix that problem I've not tried collagen yet to help with that problem but I will. I know Fish Oil is good for skin health but I really haven't been taking that long to see results I only taken that for a 3 weeks and most of the time your body needs about a month and a half or two before the supplement is fully absorbed into your system. My other thoughts are does my pale skin look alarming? Does my stature look weird? Does my legs look weird? I don't know what makes people so terrified to come up to me and talk to me or stare at me in public. Very rare will someone come up to talk to me. I try to replace this negativity by showing people I'm not scary if a elderly woman or man drops something or a child drops his or his toy from the shopping cart. I will either say A hey your kid drop his or her toy or B I will ask if the elderly person needs help if he or she can't reach the shelf and if I'm not in a hurry and I see a person with only a few items in their basket I will let them go first. Most of the time I get a shocked reaction. Like damn WTF? Also please don't ask me why my fashion is sporty mixed with video game t shirts don't ask maybe I given up on buying a gothic wardrobe which all my gothic clothes from several years ago found in storage no longer fit me as I can't fit in a size 0 anymore or a XXS/XS anymore. Which yes active wear leggings is 10 times cheaper than a gothic pair of skinny jeans from shitty HT anyways on eBay once in a blue moon I can find a size 3 in Lovesick or Royal Bones and Tripp but not often!
So back into the dark space. What happened that day May 1st 2017 and that year?
Also I did something foolish back then I tried exercising my ex's mother's house which had four portals open. I was only able to close two then my RED FLAG TO GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE LIKE NOW was this. I was pushed back on the couch my own spirit guides lessened the spiritual attack push to me but I started to feel choked on the couch and I couldn't see anything or know where reality was all I could hear was glass shattering in my head and shrieking noises in my head. I felt like this was going on for five minutes. My spirit guides were trying to fight was on top of me but was only barely enough strength after more minutes had passed everything seemed gone. I no longer after this happened I no longer practice exorcising ever again. But I was a dumb naïve 20 something year old and this was all around when I was in my 20's through 24 years of living. I was dumb and stupid live everyone on the block we all done something extremely stupid in our years at this age. But back on topic my ex was possessed and I saw what possessed him that day when he busted into my mom's house while my son hid and I hid to call the police my mom gave us barely enough time to tell us to go hide. However he must've dragged my mother into a bathtub or something I didn't see her when I walked out because I could hear him come to my hiding spot so I had no choice to come out but as soon as I came out the police busted the door open just right as he was about to hold me down. His voice was different. I didn't recognize his voice. He went berserk. The police couldn't stop him. The police had to call a swat team which I could see from my neighbors window because as soon as I got free from him I ran out of the garage door to my neighbors house. I had a vision as he got shot by the police. I saw a blue and black standing reptilian with a black cloak on his head. The next day I had a dream the reptilian was laughing and I saw the image by the old house and the front door he was laughing and he showed his face to me....and I don't wanna keep writing about this I'll just move on to a different topic about my drug addiction
So around fall I started to have extreme violent aggression. I could no longer control myself or my anger. I'm not going to discuss the scene do to the fact this page blog is already long and I really don't want to talk about what I did I feel highly uncomfortable. So someone called the police on me out of worry. The police gave me two options go to jail or go to the E.R. ( I told them about what has happened with my Mom and I don't know what is wrong with me as I started to revert back to normal out of outburst) so when I went to the hospital I found a few interesting facts 1 was I had a bladder infection for a month and a half and the doctor was looking at me like how did you not know that?! That's dangerous! I was really half dazed after taking some unknown medication given to me by the person that offered me some kind of medication? I think Prozac? The doctor he was so fucking pissed at me he goes why did you take someone's medication that she gave you?! You should never take medication if you don't know what it is! Shortly after I blacked out I woke up from a Skype call to a psychiatrist. She asked if I was suicidal and if I wanted to hurt myself. Also just to let you guys know the one that Skype called me she already knew what happened to my mom and sense she knew I didn't know what grief was etc and what I was experiencing she didn't send me off to a mental home. However when I got back home I was mailed a court order and I must go to this court meeting from my son's dad side of the family so what happened was I got a paperwork that I must receive 6 months of therapy and I had to show signature proof by both my psychiatrist and therapist and send them off to my son's dad and family side every two weeks as we're split custody. If I didn't do this then I would be admitted for jail for being UNSAFE as I had to sign the court order paper I would do this. But my son's dad's side of the family thought about giving me a chance because of what happened with my mother. Anyways which my Medicare was going to expire at the end of the year (that's a whole another shit show why I got denied four times and this year I'm going to try to reapply but there is so much shit going on in my life right now I had no time but this is a situation nobody won't give a fuck about so I will never talk about this) so I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist for six months there that's when I started getting hooked on of brand Zoloft and Xanax because with Medicaid you get generic off brand stuff I became an addict for a year and a half. However my Medicaid was up and I stopped going to see my psychiatrist which is $500 with no insurance and my therapist was a few hundred so I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO STOP. That's when spirituality and the samurai code save my life. Many people think spirituality is insane or psychopathic behavior but spirituality saved my life. My well and whole being. I will explain the last part on my next and final blog however if you want to know more physical more about me here you go. I might have to make a fourth blog if things don't fit so maybe one or two more. I will finish in a few hours before bed
One day three years ago I meditated on Xanax off brand and booze. I was in a lotus position of course this all happened as my lost of my mother this how I would cope. But what happened was I was shown the Abyss. I could see everything that or I visited the Underworld. All I saw was the prismatic hues and the highest colors of the psyche. Then all I saw was the rattle chains of the abyssal or whatever and a roar of a serpentine and I was shown a gigantic 
this snake had gem like eyes of purple gems and the scales glowed emerald green and had purple gems coming out of the body. But the strange shit is I really couldn’t feel my body at all everything was black around me. But a few hours later when I somehow got back to “reality” I was in a kneel spot and my head was tilted to the side.
To be honest maybe I died that day. Maybe I was built into THAT prototype.
If you want to know more physical stuff about me etc that's not listed here you can look here
https://emowire.com/blogs/3826/956/other-things-i-like-and-things-you-shouldn-t-like-by-me
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