2day fucking sucked and this is why i cry in graveyards

but how can someone make a plan to do something with me and other for the same day but not explain the situation to me and make me waste an entire day. i was not going to get into detail but literally no one will read this and im fucking pissed so i dont care. ok. so. fuck. well its my cousins birthday and she had been rescheduling our group cousin hang for a couple weeks so we had the idea so fuck that idea and binge golden girls and euphoria for their birthday. on that day they said and i fucking quote "I might do something with my friend but only in the morning and not for that long" and I said no worries, its ya birthday and i honestly dont care sorry. 

All week we have been loosely planning. is this a sleepover, are we getting tipsy or blacked out, snacks and attire so im here thinking its all figured out. last night she tells me, ok im going with my friend to eat and drink a little and we will be done around 12 is that ok, and of course im like yessss bitch thats fine with me. and before i hang up the phone they are all telling me what is we are a bit late, are you gonna fall asleep and dont worry actually i will come pick you up so im here like wait did you mean 12 am or like in the afternoon and they says noon like in the day. alright cool its 2am imma head to bed goodnight.

Morning comes and i make some breakfast, take a shower, pick out an outfit, have a drink, and take a look at my clock around 11am. I check my phone and they haven't texted me yet so im not worried about anything. after some time has pass i start to try different eyeshadows so i grab my phone to check the time and its almost 3pm and i text them something like hey what time should i start getting ready to meet you and they replies with something like "im planning to meet my friend around 5 to get dinner them grab some drinks do you just want to come over now while i get ready then wait for me to come back?or i can ask dad if we can pick you up when i get back? or just come tomorrow" when i tell you its not that deep just know that i really mean i went onto the roof of my apartment building and had to decide to collect myself and reply or end this suffering once and for all so "its not that deep".

this bitch is really fucking stupid so i cant even blame them fo'real but shit like this just really bothers me. like do you know that now i feel like the dirt under you show or like some randome piece of dogshit on the side walk. i get that my time isn't of value to you, and to you i have all the time in the world because i stay home all day and work online for the most part but making plans with someone then waiting all day to tell them its not happing ya fucking clown is such a disgusting thing to do.

anyways the conversation went on to me saying "i am going to get fucking drunk, take a nap and will decide what to do later okie have fun" and i had to turn off my phone. sometime around 9 they texted me to say "heading home what do you wanna do" and all I could drunkenly speak into my phone was "too sleepy goodnight"

I would of gotten over it if my sister didn't keep asking me aren't you going to "blanks" house today and my nephew asking me when im going. bless their fucking hearts. some time around midnight i decided to get over it and just drop by for some cake tomorrow and vent a bit to my way too dense sister and my nephew decides he is tagging along. he is a 6 year old with a bitchy ass mom so of course i say yes, "blank" has a daughter a bit younger that he can play with but now my bitchy sister wants to make a whole day of it tag along too and at this point "i have an even better idea, you bitches take mom and our brothers too and i'll just stay home"

i hate my sister for being a cunt but maybe im the fucking cunt. people tend to cancel on me, ghost me out of the blue and just not show up for me. im either the biggest dickhead or loser. I dont know what is wrong with me. I feel like cassie from euphoria becase no matter how much i better myself and do everything i can to support the people around me, always get overlooked and eventually forgotten about. maybe something is wrong with my personality that i just cant see it. growing up without my biological father, my fake dad throwing it in my face that he isn't my dad, my mom not having enough time with me even after she had a stoke and was literally disabled with no job,  my mom abandoning me with my aunt who was a cunt and abused me for being a bad student and a drunk, my exes all cheating on me or the fact no matter how good of a fucking person i am to anyone they fuck me over anyway but fuck i just want one fucking person. one person that doesnt even have to be there for me all the time but like sometimes. this is why i visit my grandma's grave periodically to cry. something about a dead person will have a good reason for not showing up.

for pretty much my entire life ive had to be strong but not too strong and very quiet. fucking passive. i had to seek out attention if i wanted any, to the point where i wanted a stranger to kidnap me so i could know 100% that someone actually wanted me around. but it never happened and it made me even more insecure. not even a psycho thought i was cute enough to kidnap. and on that note i should def log off.

cheers