The deep dark ugly part one

So I believe I'm done trying to please everyone  I can't believe being logged in while on YT or Pandora for the whole day and logging out when I head for bed at 4:30-5 a.m. That I only got two friend requests which were music band pages. Like why? I think maybe because most of the girls on this website are way prettier than me but I noticed that now that I don't have what things take for gathering people's attention. This is what has left me a shattered psychological effect of why I don't take photos of myself and one of the frontal reasons. I don't have the goods. I don't have the outer shell appearance of what men are after. Or I don't have any scene clothing  on or hair. I noticed lots of scene kids are hanging out here. I also saw some fake emo/scene girls on here that have used a Google search image. Pretty obvious you can tell that. I think as well when guys do tell me pretty (not on this website but on the alt scene link I've posted on my blog page) just feel sorry for me. I think I can't believe that I've spent that long figuring out I always get the I feel sorry for you card so let me call you pretty. This has also left me for deleting almost all my photos on Instagram and why I don't take selfies anymore. My psychological state is done. There is so much I can take from this. Also before you guys start throwing ingredients in the stew pot yes my mother when she had me was healthy and when she was alive and when I was in my teens she still never would smoke or drink the only time I ever saw my mom drink if she decided to take a small sip of mead to try other than that she never touched anything. My mom never drank or smoked. I was just born deformed and ugly and my sister was the ''STAR''  and I don't understand why my parents had me when me and my sis are six years apart. Makes no sense. Probably because my sis said she wanted a sister. Also fun fact I almost died as a baby. My cord strangled my neck three times cutting the oxygen to my brain. Apparently the doctors think now in 2021 think I suffered some kind of brain damage and why I show mild/borderline intellectual disorder disability. I really wanted 2 completely slap my psychologist tester for SSI testing. She was like  oh I see you got PTSD and Chronic Depression from all the high school trauma which is what happened I was  being called you horse  this is because I'm bow legged duh! You got beaver and rat teeth and the people that made fun of me did horse galloping movements on how I walked and they would chatter their teeth like a rat and a beaver would and also my name is spelled backwards is Arat and I got called that as well you A RAT LOOK YOUR A RAT! I also got called you rooster! People would mimic how I would walk due to the fact I've a birth defect called pigeon toed. I told my SSI provider I was mentally tortured. I told her I was not suicidal and I never was suicidal. I was mentally collapsing and my psyche started to change. Only 10 people liked me in school by the way. I was made fun of as soon as the bell started class all the way till dismissal to go home. My mom wanted me out of there. I did cry for help but my dad wanted me to continue that school. He refused to take me out of school to a new one and he refused homeschool. He also told me that he never told my mother no about homeschooling me and that he gave me the best teenage year in high school he could possibly think of. However my mom told me something different at a private lunch as in a restaurant where normally not busy and you don't have to scream at each other to talk. My mom told me what dad told me isn't true and I'm in so much pain and I got so many thorns in my heart this has happened to you and I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything for you because your dad told you no. Then her final words were I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you. Also if you want to know what restaurant I'm pretty sure Red Lobster because nobody really shows up at lunch hour. As well there aren't many seafood restaurants in town and pretty sure it was Red Lobster because I loved crab or lobster pasta and that was my mom's favorite place. You guys are probably thinking why don't get you GED? Do I need a piece of paper to tell me I'm not f'ucking stupid? I already know I'm stupid. Special needs the high school I went to labeled me this and borderline intellectual disorder this is what doctors are now calling borderline mentally retarded now is. and I had to take a IQ test which I only scored a 70 or a 79 I forgot but the math part I bombed. The tester showed me some follow the pattern $hit that I never seen in my entire life so I guessed at every single question. I also can only comprehend only 8th grade comprehension. But to me I knew I was fucking stupid. Honestly all the fucking same. Hell the school in 8th grade had to bypass me in Math because I couldn't pass the Staar Test no matter how many times I tired by the fourth try the school gave up. Just like in High School after failing the Staar Essay four times the school gave up. Also didn't help the English teacher told me ''read the instructions and pointed at the book and left.'' As well as the school had zero care to put me into another English class teacher and made excuses there wasn't nobody available for me to go to. Bull $hit. I also find what is Bull $hit I'm really mentally dumb about reality but really smart in the spiritual field. Metaphors and speaking cryptic seems to work best for me but not a lot of people understand that and nobody seems to really catch on to understanding a self phobic person. Speaking of the spiritual field when I started being in my early 20's in the house we were living in I was spiritually attacked a few times. The house would feel super hot and I would get super dizzy and a few times I blacked out. One time I saw a great horned owl because the owl had big feathery horns on the head and the animal head spirit was in the  corner of the room. This one really traumatized me for a second. I saw tons of animal heads in this household one was even a crow and had a body like the other animal spirit head. Also no I wasn't on drugs or any medications. I also remember hearing a rattling staff one time and I was getting pecked at on the sides of the ribs. However the house we're in now is just me and my dad and when I get my son for two weeks. Nothing seems really ''OFF'' about this house or someone ''ELSE'' isn't living here.