WARNING: This Journal Entry contains a fair bit of VENTING!

So I cried myself to sleep last night, i hadn't had these kinds of thoughts in a long time: thoughts of rotting away, alone, in my bed. It's pretty clear to me im getting depressed again, nothing new but... it sucks. I'm growing tired of love songs and maybe love as a whole. None of my exes ever really loved me for who i am, and, if I'm honest, I don't love who I am either.

I will never be loved, not even by myself, or my own mother, or anyone else. I am a jealous and vile creature. I feed off scraps of affection in hopes that, one day, it'll be enough to hold me together. I feel hollow and numb, but mostly, I just feel so tired.

I've been listening to a lot of songs by the artist called "Sadness". Their tracks are beautifully haunting. As i type this, I am listening to the song "I can't say goodbye". I can't help but think it sounds like my soul.

Truth is, I don't want him to love me back, I don't care about myself enough for that. I just wish I could be a better friend, and bring him the joy he deserves. My goodness I have never felt this pathetic. I know he would never love someone like me, because I'm fundamentally unloveable. It doesn't matter how hard I try, my mother was right: nobody will ever love me.

I'll be getting my bike back from repairs tomorrow, and I'll ride it 30 km up to his house, because I hate the post office... no other reason. I don't care if it rains, if the clouds growl with rage, I don't care.

Good night, Little Sweet Diary of mine.

Yours truly, L