I'm so alone

What do I have to change about myself so that I’m not alone anymore? What do I have to change about myself for people to actually like me, and want me, and love me?

It feels like there’s no answer to that, that whatever I do, I’ll end up utterly alone in the end. I don’t think I’ll ever have friends, I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship with someone.

I feel disgusting, I am disgusting. When I lived with my mom I thought it couldn’t get any worse. At that school people found me repulsing, and I came home to a dirty apartment and a depressed, alcoholic parent. No one said it out loud, but I could feel it, the way my classmates looked at me. I thought high school would be different.

It only reoccurred to me last week, that I chose to go to this high school because I thought I’d find friends here. That’s the only reason. The teachers are worse here. I had to move to go to this school. It just feels worse knowing, that I chose this school because I thought I'd find people like me here, and still no one wants me. I don’t even have the energy to try anymore. I don't have the energy to try and act happy, which probably makes me more repulsive to be around. I stay out of people’s way and I try to ignore how much it hurts to be so alone all the time. I make sure not to look at anyone for too long, because I don’t want people to be disgusted by me looking at them at all.

I can’t even find connection online. I sit and refresh the site over and over again, waiting for someone to write back. I desperately try to find things to talk about so that I get to feel like I’m not completely alone in the world, but it just makes me feel lonelier. In the end, I end up feeling like I’m just being annoying. 

My sister is my only friend, but that doesn’t even count. She doesn’t have a choice. I wish someone would chose me. I wish someone would see me and want me. I don’t care how much I’d have to change. I don’t like myself anyways, it wouldn’t matter. 

A guy came up to me last week at a bookstore, and he actually spoke to me. He asked me questions, and he smiled at me. A complete stranger. Afterwards I felt like crying, because that has never happened to me before. Never in my life. No one has ever talked to just me, and asked me questions and without needing to, and then smiled at me. And I’m so scared it’ll never happen again. I’m scared I’ll never get to experience friendship or love.

There’s nothing in the world I want more.

In the end the boy walked away to pay for his things, and I can’t help but think about all the ways I messed up. I should’ve asked him more questions, told him more. I want to tell people things about myself. I’ve kept so many things to myself, before because I had to for my family's sake, and now because I have no one, and I can’t do it anymore.

I crave connection every hour of every day, and I don’t know when someone who isn’t obligated to talk to me will, like that guy at the bookstore. I write stories and read and watch movies so that I can at least live vicariously through someone that has the connection I crave. It scares me that I want something so simple, and that I might never get something that everyone around me has. I want someone to smile at me. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to want me. I want someone to dream about me. I want someone to love me.

I’d do anything.

That makes me even more disgusted by myself.