Ice.eater.blog;Ep 1

i am my mother daughter, but sometimes i feel like i am nothing like her at all, i hear her in the way i speak or when i look in the mirror and see her in my face, and for a second i am having multiple emotions all at once.

because how do you explain that you love someone, but there are parts of them you never want to become? how do u look at the person who raised u and realize that some of the things they`ve said to u are the same things u promised yourself youd never say to anyone else?

sometimes i catch myself getting angry, and i cant control myself sometimes and the way my voice changes sounds so familiar, that i js stop talking.i hate it.i hate wondering if one day someone is going to look at me and feel the same way i feel when i look at her.

the thing is,i dont think she understands how much certain things stay with me, she can say smth, more on with her day, talk to me like nothing happened and ia m still sitting there thinking about it hours later, sometimes even days later. and if i try to explain why it hurt, i rehearse the words ill tell her, but at the end i get scared and the lump in my throat grows larger.

so eventually, u stop explaining, you start keeping things to urself and bottling up, bc its easier than trying to make someone understand something they dont think they've done.

and i feel guilty even writing this bc shes my mother, ik shes a person too, ik she has her own pain n her own reasons for being the way she is, but i am her daughter god i am not her fcking enemy, i am still learning how to deal w my feelings and sometimes i wish she understood that her words,actions dont just disappear bc the argument is over.

i think a part of me will always want her to understand me, thats the part i hate admitting, bc no matter how upset i get, no matter how many times i tell myself i dont care anymore. i still want to feel understood by her.

and maybe thats why it hurts so much to see her in myself, bc i dont want to spend my life trying to unlearn things i never asked to be taught

i want to be my own person, i want to speak without hearing her anger in my voice, i want to look in the mirror and just see myself, without wondering which parts of me ive inherited and whis parts ive spent years trying to change.

i am my mother's daughter. i'll always be, no matter how different i try to be from her.

i just hope that one day, when someone gets close to me, they won't have to heal from the things i'm still trying to heal from.

and honestly, i don't even know what hurts more, the things they say or the fact that i'll probably remember them long after they've forgotten saying them.

because to them, it was just another argument.

to me, it was another reason to keep things to myself.

XOXO, you know you love me.