People. (vent)

I genuienly can't handle being around others. I have always preferred being alone, but I never expected that preference to have such a large side effect on me. 

I always got away with my poor social skills and isolation with the excuse of "being shy", but the older I get the less that excuse works. Once you hit a certain stage in life, no one cares if you're shy because you have to be a functioning member of society. That becomes an issue for me because being around others brings me nothing but dread. People are supposed to be social creatures, but I've noticed that I'm anything but that. I am fortunate enough to have a loving family and understanding friends, but that doesn't mean anything to a person who will never truly love them. 

None of that has any meaning to me when my least favorite part of the day is talking with my supposed loved ones. I am a person who has to supress the urge to vomit every time I go grocery shopping due to the amount of people that are in that said grocery store (true story btw).

I often fantasize about living in the middle of the woods where there is no other human being around, just me. I don't have to talk or follow social norms and cues, I don't have to engage in anything I don't want to. But I am aware that that fantasy is nothing more than a fantasy. Unfortunately humans do have to socialize in other to be people, and I have always wanted nothing more than to consider myself a person. 

The thought that tomorrow I have to wake up, go to class and talk to the people in that class makes me want to rip my vocal chords out so I have an understandable reason to not talk to them. The thought that I have to walk home from school, maybe have to talk to somebody along the way, and then chat with my family once I arrive home makes me want to spill acid on my face so they never look at me again.