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I have been addicted to 18+ material and masturbation for as long as I can remember. To be more exact--ever since I had internet access...which is as long as I remember. I was masturbating before I even knew what masturbation was.
I am aware that this is an addiction, and I am aware that it should be taken seriously. I take this addiction seriously when I hear other people talking about it.
The thing is, because I am AFAB, I always felt the extra need to hide this part of myself. I felt that just because I am "a woman" people would either be REALLY grossed out by this or that they would sexualize it. The second thing was never that big of a fear of mine because I was never desired in that way by anybody before, and also a side effect of my porn addiction is the desire to be viewed through a sexual lense (my discomfort of physical touch and my own body are the things that saved me from being a sex addict lol).
But despite me being ashamed of this part of me, I never made the effort to stop it. I heavily rely on this addiction of mine. Due to me feeling emotions very lightly, I usually rely on physical stimulation to feel like a person. That is the main reason as to why I have this addiction (and also SH but that's another blog entry for another day).
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Aquin0.o
Hello! I hope I can offer you a different perspective and some company through this message. I should mention that English isn't my first language, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes.
I started consuming the kind of content you describe when I was around 10 or 11 years old. I hadn't even reached puberty, and I was already turning to masturbation. But there's a distinction I'd like to make here: I want to take some of the responsibility you seem to place on yourself for this behavior and, at the same time, give you back a sense of agency.
I find myself wondering: why would a young, innocent person turn to pornography and masturbation in the first place? Compulsive behaviors, broadly speaking, can develop as ways of regulating something we struggle to manage otherwise. Perhaps they provide relief, stimulation, or a way to cope with feelings we don't yet know how to understand. When I think back to those afternoons I spent watching porn and masturbating, I realize that, ideally, I should have been playing sports or spending time with my family instead.
I don't mean to suggest that your experience was necessarily the same as mine. I don't know your circumstances, and I wouldn't want to assume that I do. However, I believe that if we want to work through a compulsive behavior, we should try to understand what purpose it serves in our lives before focusing exclusively on how to stop it. We might be able to eliminate the behavior without ever addressing the difficulties that made us turn to it in the first place.
This brings me to what you mentioned about self-harm. I hope you have access to psychological support, because you don't deserve to go through any of this alone. I believe it's important to examine the function that our coping mechanisms serve, even when they seem harmless at first glance. And when we're talking about something like self-harm, which can put our physical well-being at risk, that need becomes particularly urgent.
You don't have to be ashamed of this part of yourself. I think it's important that you're willing to put your experience into words and share it with others. What you've described deserves to be taken seriously, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be judged for it.
I genuinely wish you the best. I hope you can find a way to work through whatever pain you might be carrying, at your own pace and with the support you deserve. I know it's not easy.
Thank you. You put certain aspects that I relate to in better words than I did. It is very fascinating to see how similar our experiences are, and it raises the question of how common this scenario really is. With the internet it is very easy for young people to come across this material and start masturbation way earlier then they should.
You also make a great point of trying to understand where addiction originates from, or why it started. A lot of people neglect that step when trying to step away from their negative habits despite it being such an important step in helping it stop or at least slow down.
I don't know what else to add besides the fact that you said very important and helpful points.
by nihilisticgooner; ; Report