there's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall

good morning world

i have yet to eat breakfast 

admittedly i'm feeling a bit of a bummer this morning. forgive me for complaining in this one i just want to get this weight off my back, i'm definitely going to be getting a little personal... sarry ! so sarry ! （ﾉ´д｀）

slight warning for sensitive topics...

where to even start...

whether it's between work, family, friends, etc. i feel like every venue right about now is just totally clogged with this sense of misery. no one in my life is doing well right now and i can definitely feel it rubbing off on me.

it's all very bittersweet, though, whereas in some people are improving it doesn't come without the cost of something else

i've been moved out for about a quarter of a year now, and you know there's aspects of home i'm nostalgic about, i miss the old shitty apartments i used to live in, i miss the one house i was afforded for a good few years, and in all of those years a constant of mine was my father's alcoholism... i wouldn't consider him a belligerent man, he never laid a hand on me, but he was definitely prone to his verbal outbursts and throwing stuff around

he's been going to rehab recently, he'll be out of the house for about a month at a rehabilitation facility, and i'm really happy for him, truly i am, but it took him 19 years of my life to get back on track. why is it that, once finally i'm gone, he decides it's time to better himself?

it makes me personally feel like a pretty bad kid. it makes me wonder if he feels it was just easier that way.

as for work, it's the same old thing, and it'll be the same old thing forever. quit school, gone to work and hardly get any time to go fishing anymore. i feel like i'm drowning here.

all of my coworkers are men 50+ or younger guys who are just totally hopeless. they've lost all love for life. and i can't even blame them. i've been working since 15, and that's likely only half the time they've been working!

i think i also just feel outcast there. i'm the only queer person in the entire department and i'm not out at all... but with the customers and my coworkers, i feel i can't actually be y'know... transparent with them. no pun intended.

as for me, i feel like i've lived the same day for the past five years. nothing feels really any different. of course there's outliers, but you know how these things are...

my body's getting pretty weak. i've been having trouble breathing which like i know is entirely my fault... my cough has gotten pretty bad
i'm having trouble with my appetite... which sucks because i love food, and i love eating, but i cannot bring myself to eat much anymore
of course as beautiful as being trans is i will always have issues with my self image but also seemingly cannot bring myself to do anything with it
i think i suffer majorly with executive dysfunction... i just cannot bring myself to do the things i enjoy much anymore. but i like blogging, so that's a plus.

a lot less important but there's always relationship stuff too... i find myself feeling lonely a lot of the time !

but this is all recent stuff, and i know i've had worse, so it's nothing that i can't overcome. it's just the in the moment downers that get me, as they get everyone. i've been listening to the police's "king of pain" and it's been comforting, as emo as that sounds ! i think it's a really good song though and i definitely recommend it if you've somehow not heard it yet

anyways, SO SORRY i know that is a whole heaping handful of negativity but again i'm just trying to get it all off my back... i appreciate those who've taken the time to listen to me bitching abt all the bad stuff (；´д｀)ゞ

i know there's plenty negativity in the world as is, and i don't wish to add to it ! so if there's one thing you can take away from this is everyone's dealing with bad news constantly and there's no shame in speaking your mind on it...

regardless, there'll always be a way to overcome it, at least so i believe

today's word is CRAYFISH

current outside temperature is 46 degrees fahrenheit, 8 degrees celsius... same as yesterday... weird... no joke...

10.19.26
monday
9:37 AM

much love