depression era

i think i hate myself a little. i wish i knew how to be at peace with the person i am, how to be someone i could come home to instead of someone i’m constantly trying to escape. but maybe i don’t deserve that kind of love, not even from myself.

i don’t understand the way i am. i think i’m aroace, yet sometimes i find myself yearning for someone. someone to hold me, to know me, to see the parts of me i can barely stand to look at. but the moment they begin to feel the same, something in me retreats. i distance myself, and i don’t even know why. i crave closeness until it becomes real, and then i don’t know what to do with it.

i hate how i act, how i look, how easily i become someone i don’t recognise. i’m so tired of being perceived through the eyes of people who have never really known me. sometimes i wish i could disappear from everyone’s expectations and simply exist, without having to be anyone, without having to prove that i’m worth knowing.

because the truth is, no one really knows me. and the worst part is that i’m not sure i do, either.

i wish i were easier to understand. easier to love. easier to be.

and i hate that even writing this makes me feel pathetic, as though putting my feelings into words somehow makes them less real, or makes me sound like i’m begging for someone to care.

i’m not very good at talking about what hurts. i think i’ve spent so long apologising for the way i feel that i’ve forgotten i never needed permission to feel it in the first place. I’m sorry. Please don’t think I’m annoying.

I’m just going through a lot right now. 

Sorry. I needed to talk about my feelings.

Sorry