5.0 (nsfw ment)

maybe its work. maybe its the pressure i feel to keep putting every last bit of myself into my job, throwing my life and my head and my heart into it. i want to keep making people proud. i want to be special. i want them to acknowledge how hard i fucking work because i want everything to be so fucking perfect. and they tell me they see it. they tell me that they know that im doing the most that i fucking can to make this school perfect but it is in shambles and therefor i am in shambles.

it could be the fact that i feel my relationship is starting to fail. i feel unloved. i feel untouched. unsexy unattractive every other positive descriptor that you could throw "un" in front of, thats how i feel. its getting harder to talk to my boyfriend. its getting harder to want to. i want to be loved.

i know i conflate love/attraction with sex a lot, but its hard to feel anything at all when im constantly giving to him and never getting anything back. do you know how many times ive given **** this month and hes just rolled over and gone to sleep afterwards? do you know how many times ive asked if we could have *** and ive been denied, only for him to prompt me for **** shortly after? i feel usable, i feel like a hole.

i feel over all at a loss. like im losing myself or a part of me. i want this to end.