Am I physical?

(Written Sept 20th 2026)

Some days I carry the energy of ugliness personified.

Because I notice that both my eyes are differently shaped, and that my mouth is slightly crooked.

I had a breakout on my face which made me feel monstruous, the disgusting feel of textured and bumpy skin.

I am aware that my face is average and to some it can be attractive, but my brain has never been able to actually believe it. I cannot see what others see, I see an amorphous shape trying it's best to mimick a human.

I have been single for a long time which makes me wonder if I lost the charm, if the disgust and decadence of my mind has started to spill through my flesh, or maybe Oscar Wilde has just damaged my not fully developed brain too much.

I look at a camera and at another camera and another camera and a mirror and another mirror and a different light. In all of them I see a completely different being.

not a single thing in common, and it doesn't feel right.

Then I start to wonder, why care then? If I'm different in every head, every angle, every light, every start of a new day, then am I real at all? is there a real actual version of me? I don't think so.

Having a body seems to be an illusion, and I try to continue living without feeling physical at all. 

Like I'm not really here, it's just how your eyes process the light.