feelings

I feel like a disgusting freak. I really must be, right? I've been thinking about him again, about how much he fucking hates my guts. And it disgusts me. It disgusts me that I even think about becoming friendly with him again. Inviting him to eat lunch with me and my friends, anything. It makes me feel like a disgusting, horrible, less-than-human being. I'm simply a disgusting creature who deserves nothing more than to bleed out and die. I'm not asking for sympathy, I don't want pity. I need to get these feelings out, once and for all. 

This is not all in my head. I see the way he looks at me in the hallway, his face filled with disdain and disgust at my very being. 

I know why you look at me that way, I really do. You thought I was stalking you, in real life and online, and for the hundredth time I'm going to tell you: I was not stalking you, and I never did. Pressures from my friends and my own (at the time) very unstable mental state caused me to lash out in ways that I never wanted to. All I wanted to do was care about you and be around you, because I thought you were the coolest person ever. I idolized you, ok?

But now, I know. I truly understand the levels of hate that you have towards me. 

I know I'm a disgusting person. I wish that things hadn't ended the way they did between us, even if I'm not a good person in your eyes. In my eyes, you're not perfect either. No matter how much you try to deny it, you said bad shit about my dead grandfather, you found someone else while we were still dating and proceeded to become good friends with him and then date him not even two weeks after you had broken up with me; you've accused me of horrible things that I would never do and have never done; and you've been a shitty person to my friends. 

I wish there was a way for this to reach you, but I know it probably never will.

Either way, I'm sorry. For the last time, I'm sorry, ok? I know now that there's nothing I can do to make it up to you, nothing I can do that will change your mind about the kind of person I am. All I wish for is to have a one on one conversation with you - not through a bunch of online friends - and apologize correctly. 

Every single time I see you in the hallway, I want nothing more than to wave and say hello, but if I did that, you'd probably report me and tell me to fuck off. Rightfully so. You hate me with a burning passion I've never seen so strong in anyone before. 

All that I can hope for is that one day, a long time from now, you could find a way to forgive me.

Goodbye, and I'm sorry.