ive had this diary for 2 years so heres my most recent entry

ive been lying to myself that im trying to get better.

i thought shoving down my emotions and thoughts, those disgusting, foul thoughts would make me feel better.

it hasnt.

i broke down on Saturday. ive relapsed so many things i said id quit: gore, porn, hurting myself, over-fucking-thinking, hurting everyone and everything i come in contact with.

im never going to fix myself. its not happening. ive tried so many times to recover and be anew. ive even got help everynow if it felt like too much. and yet im still here. back in the beginning. like nothing ever changed.

ive lost it at this point. ive lost my sense of humanity. ive lost the heartfelt connection i once had. i cant feel happy anymore. im tired of everything. i laugh but it feels ingenuine. i cry but it feels infectious. i tire but i can never fucking sleep.

maybe they were right. maybe its the phone. i always come to it for solitary and never find it. it only gives me every reason to indulge in the things that hurt me. if a god exists, ill never see him. im too far down, too melted, too unrecognizably mutilated to be considered a fucking human being.

sometimes i think if i just killed myself, everything would work out. i wouldnt have to deal with these fucking human emotions anymore. i could just take a fucking bullet to the head and everything will be fine.

but ive tried that before. and the thought of trying it again feels like im ruining everything all over again. a girl i knew then said i was joking. maybe i was. maybe i think this is a joke. some dumb, stupid fucking game that im losing in somehow. im too scared to bleed out in pain on the bathroom floor if it doesnt kill me immediately. im too scared ill be sent away. im too scared to cut myself deep enough the let that warm, distasteful blood drip, drip, drip, and pour down my arm, my thigh, my leg.

god im such a loser.

ill cower in fear over and over again because i was domesticated enough to not learn how to fight back. my bites and barks and hisses and scratches and kicks and punches and yells mean nothing. they're all but a whisper and a pinch.

maybe this is the way things were meant to be. maybe i was meant to suffer. maybe one day, im meant to die. i wanna die too early. too early to see the world. because ive been told, time and time again, that the world outside of this is much worse. maybe if i jump in front of a bus at the right time, i can never make it to adulthood. id never have to move out, graduate, grow old, marry, experience more loss and heartbreak, pain, because i wont be alive to see it. maybe thats the path i need to go down.

but death is such a terrifying reality. but its going to happen anyways. i might as well get it over with now. it would never be a future me's problem because thered be no future me. wouldn't that be great?

i wish it could work like that.