Something About Creating Frequent Backups

Hey Space, 

I forgot why exactly I felt the need to redo my profile page. I adored how it looked before, and only after ripping it apart, I think, "Hey, I miss the old look more than I want a new one." I made several copies in the past, but, as much as an oversight as it sounds, I fear I saved the data locally, which means I can kiss the thought of finding it goodbye. Thankfully, I saved pictures of how it looked before; I know, for sure, I saved the images I edited myself. But again, it kinda baffles me that I wanted to present a new impression of myself when I'd gotten it right the first time. 

Anywho, as far as updates go, aside from returning to my corner on the internet after (another) hiatus, I can honestly say that I'm a college student! I'd be excited, but I'm not. Things didn't go as planned when it came to picking a major. I'd rather keep that to myself anyways. After all, according to my mom "I don't know," STILL isn't an answer. Gone are the days where I could say, "I'm 17! I'm just a kid; I can't make that choice yet." Truth is, I'm 18 turning 19 in a month and a half; I gotta make something work. 

What didn't work was things between me and that coworker I had a fancy for in my last blog. I tied my lady balls in a knot and asked him out on a date. There's a cat cafe near me, so I thought it'd be pretty chill. Too bad the guy wasn't. He had a thing going on with another girl. I was like "ah, good on you," until he hit me with the, "we can keep it on the downlow."

( .... uh. ew. )

TLDR, I ended up leaving the job. The pay sucked, and my favorite coworker/shift leader had left prior to that incident, leaving me with too many slackers, who somehow doubled as my bosses. Yikes! The company practices were something, and I worked a month of unpaid labor, which was definitely court worthy, but thats neither here nor there. Why? Because I got another job! 

The world is my oyster, so I've sold my soul to blue collar work. I have to do a drug test before I start, and once that's done, I'll be in the big house. I'm only part time because of my college, but I already regret putting open availibility every day except when I go to class IRL. I sure do hope the company doesn't take advantage of that and wear me out. I predict that I'll always stay one hour beneath compensation, if not by a few minutes. I was a bit desprate for a job that wasn't food or retail...

I like indulging in my not-so-cost-efficent hobbies. I like buying sh*t. I buy intentionally, of course, but if every purchase (getting ice cream, eating out, buying a game or thrifting a skirt, etc) is taking a identifiably chunck of my buck then I'se gotta put in some hours. 

Oh, most of my clothes couldn't make it with me when I moved out of the old house. I had to downsize a ton when I moved into this teeny ahh room. I rotated the bed at least a trillion times before I felt satisfied, and with thoughtful additions to MySpace (get it?), it really started to feel sentimental... dare I say "like home." I took all my gaming consoles minus my extra Wii's and my Xbox's (yes plural on both). I'll have to come for them another time and just hope that showing my face won't cause any drama.

MMMmm drama. 

One thing about high school being over is that I've not dealt with any of it.... until after I got another job.... 

Everyone from high school just disappeared. Not quite in a bad way... but they truly are just gone. 

I had a brief fit of obsessively trying to keep in touch, but it fell off, expectedly so. I've kept my nose in my games and my ears pumped with music, so I've been chilling.

To the shock of many (myself included), an old online friend of me has actually come back! It's a little sad when I say it aloud, but he's officially someone who's known me the longest that I still keep up with! So cool! I feel at peace talking to him. While some people think online friendships aren't valid, I find it quite nice to conceptualize a care for someone thousands of miles away. Is it weird that it (almost) feels more genuine? There's no face, no concept of beauty, no power dynamic, no physical boundry that could be crossed, no facial expression to be misread, no hands or body frame intimidate. It's really just sending IMs back and forth lmao. 

── .✦ Now for Tonight's Main Course [aka the main story]

Last night, I decided that it was imperative that I confess. I didn't have a secret, rather, a story: several years ago, in my childhood, I had a friend, blah blah, this, that, and the fourth. Fast forward, that friend and I are on the same school bus and I wanted his phone number but never found the courage to have asked. He gets off the bus, blah blah blah, and we never see each other again. Years later, long after middle school, for reasons omitted, we chat for like one second in our now-adult lives on online messages. And then we never speak again... but again. 

A wave of loneliness would find me later (aka yesterday). It tickled my neck, but I parried that b*tch into a more productive way to spend my energy. So, at around 8ish (9ish his time), I went on a tangent in his DMs about how I thought about him for nearly 2,000 days after he got off that bus. Well, in hindsight, I'd argue 2,000 was a stretch... right? It wasn't the conscious decision to think about him for 2,000 days; it was the act of never forgetting...right? But if I never forgot, then it must mean he occupied my mind... right?

That's not even the point, grahr!

I did apologize during my tangent, acknowledging that it could've been a lot at once, which he actually agreed to lol, but he also thanked me for telling him, so there's that.

This interaction has been sitting with me though, which is what brought me back to this site. I come here when something's on my mind/when a thought needs a voice and words. 

Two-thousand days is a long time for such a small interaction/lack thereof. I've been thinking about that bus ride again and again since I was a CHILD! I ended up phrasing the confession to amount to something along the lines of: "if you were to disappear, things would change because you have an objective place in your world," obviously implying that mere existance in itself is value and causes change for another whether intentional or not. (For additional context, this confession doubled as a response to not-so-happy-ideals being promoted.)

... but 2,000 days...?

This isn't another parry. If that one instance of, "I wish I did [x]," for someone who might not even remember my name or face or voice or anything stayed with me for 2,000 days, then I fear I'm in for a doozie in life. Retrospectively speaking, I feel like the one in a white jumper for hanging onto this memory (and feeling the need to share it). I stand by my initial point of 'everyone affects everyone', but at what point are we let go from the memory.

Does that make sense? 

I'm not telling anyone to just let go, but that's like me being approached by this random guy I knew once in 11th grade who said, "hey I remember when you gave me that rose." Because if another six years have passed me by, can I still even be attached to the memory???? Now I feel like I'm talking nonesense for real.

Like I mentioned, he seemed appreciative to hear the story, but now I'm seriously overthinking it. High school was a lot worse than middle school for me. I'm glad high school is over and there's nothing I regret not doing (socially), only actions and words I wish I could take back. 

And oh my gosh, I have to say, the nail in the coffin is that the former friend has never outwardly said, "oh yeah, I remember you." I've pulled a number like this before... MULTIPLE times! For better or for wose, it's my thing to reach out to people from previous chapters!

I wanna say it's to account for the times I wish I'd been more honest...? But case and point is that this "habit" toes the line of self distructive... is not that, then disruptive towards others.'

It's super late (technically early since it's officially morning now). I'll retell this story tomorrow but more coherently. I wanted to get it out now though because the bugggggss were bugging. 

Thanks for reading 

hehehe

~ Koi