doubt it

Time

Go to Noon

Go to Dusk

Go to Night

more than anything, i want to be loved again. i don't know if it'll ever happen again. i don't think i deserve it. i'm so, so selfish in dreaming, but i do it anyways.

i've kissed before and i think i'm gross. i really do. there's "worse" out there but be in my shoes for once. i think about it on accident sometimes and really want to cry. i really think i'm disgusting. i liked it for god's sake.

in a perfect world, i really could be loved. 

i'm too dependent. its in my nature, relying on people, i cant help it. but i know that being alone in the future will kill me. i have visions of living alone and i know i'll rot and die. everyone knows it. please, i don't want to need. if i didn't need i could be a good person. don't we all want to be good people?

school takes up too much of my time. i don't like the place, and i want to leave. i know some decent people. i love my best friend, she can make any day better, and she's been here for me through it all. but schoolwork isn't easy. i want to graduate already, but i still have a whole other year to go through. and i regret taking stupid AP world history. i cried in front of my teacher. i begged to move into honors, every other class i take is an honors class, but my mom wasn't having it.

i want to be held right now. i get all lonely and sad in my room. i've tried to die here much too often to feel good here. i leave soon. i don't want to go. all i do is uproot my life and go somewhere else and meet new jerks.

my eating got bad again. everyone knows i want to drop 30 pounds. mom says it'll make me sick. i don't care if i feel dizzy for a moment, i'll be pretty. men like pretty girls. they sure don't like me, but that doesn't matter if i look good enough, right?

i wish i felt deserving of the things i want. no matter what i do its never enough to me. if i work harder, maybe ill deserve things.

but then i splurge and self-destruct and is it really all worth it?

i've tried so hard in a life that doesn't service me.

but if all i want to do is service others, does it matter?

i give my all to do exactly what people want, despite never really having my needs met. but it really is okay because if i make someone smile, i'm worth the effort.

right?

i want to be worth effort.

but i had to have been born this emotionally sensitive freak that just switches between hate and love for everyone.

i just want to feel like i've done something, anything right.

i can smile and wear big clothes and makeup, but there's nothing underneath it.

i just want to be seen as human

am i sub-human?

am i truly not like you?

but one day i'll be in arms. i really want to be held right now

what a whore.