“one day, the sadness will end.”

17/09/2026

i want to be grieved in the same way that i grieve. . . a dirty, ugly thing. . . and that’s not to say that i want to die. it’s moreso that i want to be lost. 

the way in which i see the world is largely shaped by my understanding (and fear) of transience. everything changes, and so relationships will too.

accepting that i can be lost. . . accepting that i can lose. . . these facts have always scared me into submission to a sort of great nothing. . . to never commit to anything good, because i am afraid of the end. so often, i neglect good things and let them rot. what remains is nothing, an emptiness, complete neutrality. but if we only have so many years before we die, shouldn’t i enjoy those years?

“there is a sadness in this world, for we are ignorant of many things. yes, we are ignorant of many beautiful things — things like the truth. so sadness, in our ignorance, is very real. the tears are real. what is this thing called a tear? there are even tiny ducts — tear ducts — to produce these tears should the sadness occur. then the day when the sadness comes — then we ask: "will this sadness which makes me cry — will this sadness that makes me cry my heart out — will it ever end?" the answer, of course, is yes. one day, the sadness will end.”

— twin peaks, episode three 

one day, the sadness will end. knowing this, i should embrace the good even if the bad follows. i want to let myself have good things, so i also want to lose and be lost. 

everything changes anyway. it’s such an obvious answer but also one hard to believe.