My tries at not dying

Hello people, things have been rough lately, and I have been having dark thoughts again. 

This whole "trying not to die" thing has gotten difficult. This week I have been trying my best to find ways to keep going. This post might be the start to a new series of blogs where I expose my life being unwell, maybe it will be good to write these things somewhere, like the old internet was meant to be.

 I listed some of the things I have done lately:

-I listened to kpop music on loop.

-I went to uni even if I was an hour late everyday because I struggled to get out of bed, it was hard not to cry on the bus, but it made all of my days better.

-I took different buses.

-I walked a lot, I like being outside, I love seeing people, I love stores, I love looking at windows. I really focus on noticing tiny details, a phrase on a wall, a piece of clothing on a mannequin, a mysterious shape on the floor.

-I re-read Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself" because I had a calling when I walked past my neighbor's and he was watching the Simpsons.

-I spent all my alone time at home watching TikTok and YouTube.

-I became obsessed with my appearance. More time in the shower, more time getting ready, more thought into how I dress everyday.

-I looked at a lot of clothing stores and want to buy a lot, but I don't have the money.

-So, naturally, I made a lot of Pinterest boards of different concepts that existed on my mind.

-I drank coffee from a white mug.

-I went on a car ride to the middle of nowhere and recovered my obsession for the clash between nature and technology, when they merge. I like seeing cable wires mixed with vines.

-I tried to study after uni but couldn't focus much, still, I made a calendar to organize all my texts and exam dates.

-I haven't been online on any games or Discord or social medias in general where I used to be, I only reply to the people who showed concern, care, or love. I decided to not talk to anyone first, I do not have the energy to waste, and it makes me feel like I'm begging for attention, I cannot afford getting that feeling right now.

-I ate pears, I always thought pears were the most boring bland fruit, but now somehow I love them.

-I bought pastries.

-I allowed myself to feel non-human and embrace the robotic behaviors of my brain.

-I drew a portrait of myself with a very wet ink pen, then it all smudged accidentally, but it gave it a cool effect.

-I made new ideas in my mind for future projects. Will I actually do them this time?

- I thought about that person a lot, but I haven't let myself give in yet.

-I did not let myself get upset for other people having plans without me. Maybe one day having it all bottled up, it will explode, but I fear I am so tired of socializations that I just cannot care anymore.

-I didn't like or share a single suicide awareness month post, they are all hypocritical and often spread wrong information. Not even the poetic ones.

-I allowed myself to not be very expressive.

-I did not listen to a single sad song.

No criteria. I wanted to include a collage here but it isn't working. Have a good night everyone.