still unsure about it

i've been going out and socializing more after work and outside of uni, so i guess i'm making some minor improvements with my life (and health). sure, i still go back to these negative thoughts and feeling empty, but i can say that i've been dealing with it with less destructive methods. which i'm happy!!

but the thing is, there's this younger guy who's a big question mark in my life. it's been a few odd weeks, with constantly ghosting me and not replying for days, and when he does talk to me, he's either very chatty, his replies are short and cold, or he's just downright mean/sarcastic. and i can't pinpoint if it's just his "usual" teasing demeanor or something's not right.

i've had enough of these negativity happening in my life, so i'm ready to leave him out of my life too. but i'm still contemplating whether i'd send him a message with me just rambling and pouring my heart out about our relationship (it dangerously tips between the borders of friendship and romance). a part of me wishes he'd take it seriously or just read it, but another part of me knows he'll just brush it off or worst case scenario, he'll just laugh about it like he always does.

wow, anyway, writing all of that in public sounds so bad. i don't know why i'm so hung up with this guy at all. he first showed interest in me and was relentless about it, but now that i'm starting to fall and question my feelings for him, he's suddenly cold and distant. maybe i should take this as a sign?