A Different Kind of Happiness

a different kind of happiness.

lately I’ve been feeling detached from everything I was once holding on to so tightly. It’s like a coldness in my cheeks, a glacial feeling in my lungs. I know the weather is also getting colder, so I do feel physically cold, too; but what I’m feeling is not it, not just a change in the weather.

The buzzing of my telephone

To my surprise, I know the call

The cadence of my future self

He didn't sound all that well

He didn't sound that well

But if I could see it through a softer lens

It wouldn't mean that it hurt any less

It's not what I hoped for, I don't wanna pretend

But maybe I'll find, maybe I'll find

A different kind of happiness

And all the Earth crashed into one

Said all the things you're runnin' from

All the rage and the regret

Well, I ain't outrun 'em yet

No, I ain't outrun 'em yet

But if I could see it through a softеr lens

It wouldn't mean that it hurt any less

It's not what I hopеd for, I don't wanna pretend

But maybe I'll find, maybe I'll find

A different kind of happiness

Then a call from me as a boy

Reality was all but gone

He said, "Life, it keeps replacing joy

And I don't know where I belong"

He was lost in an alien sadness

Don't remember where it came from

He said, "I am full up of an otherness"

He hung up before I could pass on

But if I could see it through a softer lens

It wouldn't mean that it hurt any less

It's not what I hoped for, I don't wanna pretend

But maybe I'll find, maybe I'll find

A different kind of happiness.

Nothing But Thieves is releasing their new album, Stray Dogs, in two weeks. their single run for this album has been kinda lame so far, which makes you question if they’ll ever create something as captivating as their self-titled album again.

Nothing But Thieves is one of the bands I didn’t discover on my own. me finding out about them has a little backstory, one full of entanglements; it was something like a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend situation, except, none of the people involved were actually friends. while I’d rather not share the details of that story online -because talking about it IRL would be so much more fun- I stumbled upon the socials of the person who was the main character in all of this. he seems to be as brooding as he was back then, but I hope that’s just how he looks in photos and that he’s actually doing well; that’s something i’m also suffering from. dear Emre, I didn’t know you well, but I’m sure you were a real one.

I wonder if someone who used to know me remembers me in a way like this? I guess there’s no way for me to know. whatever, I like stuffing something personal here and there. ...as I was saying, the rollout for Stray Dogs sucked and I was nearly sure I’d skip listening to the whole album altogether. that is, until today, when I listened to A Different Kind of Happiness.

I’m not really sure what this is I’m feeling or whether it will stick. but despite all that chilly stuff that’s been going on with me, my heart is pounding so heavily inside my chest. I think this is what acceptance is supposed to feel like in the beginning.

while I don't want to pretend that things have turned out the way I hoped they would, I won't be dwelling on the bleakness of it all, and this blog post is a reminder of that. maybe I’ll find a different kind of happiness.