the microplastics are destroying me 🤦🏼

i do not remember when this absolute hell began, but i do know that something in me has changed significantly somehow and what worries me is that i won’t be able to feel like myself anytime soon. its incredibly difficult for me to adapt to these sudden changes in my life. i feel so disconnected from everything and myself, and trying to convince myself it’s okay to go through this is getting exhausting because NOTHING IS FRIGGIN CHANGING!!! OR HELPING!!!! i feel incredibly behind, and i feel like ive become timid and almost obnoxious with the way I act with others, almost as if Im faking a personality I’ve claimed long before this shift happened. i am uncomfortable with this personality of mine, yet i cannot change it. i want to feel comfortable with myself, but i dont know of any other way to be. like my natural way of being is hella bothersome. i feel sad. its like im multiple people in one body, and its soooooo confusing and draining. im anxious about my sparkle not returning, i feel dim. i cannot process my feelings and thoughts, and im unsure of how to even describe them. i feel as if im in some kind of poop box. how do i even make sense of any of this!?!? dude i don’t know what to do, i don’t even know if i want to do anything. id think that nothing is worth any effort and i get depressed, but then again i go through an evil horse tornado trying to remind myself that nothing is ever worth depressing over, even when it’s this bad. i dont know why i try so hard all the time .i don’t even think i could convince myself by reassurance anymore that things aren’t as bad as i think they are. its a big fat struggle to be at this age where you feel as if everything is a humiliation ritual. why have i grown to be so embarrassed about everything i do? its exhausting having to observe myself all the time just to make sure im not doing anything that’ll be weird. it doesn’t matter whether i pay attention or not anymore, i feel like i’ll always feel weird. its almost as if im not aware of myself even when im constantly monitoring myself. i dont even react the same as i used to to my interests, i cant even have fun anymore. my disconnection vexes me more than anything. i must be growing. but if this is growth then id rather remain a silly little hungry caterpillar please . ✅🐛🐛🐛🖕🖕🖕🖕 ew ew ew enwe w e. wwewww ew ew 

how does one recover rewire my brain rewire my brain now now