somewhat introspective ramble(s)

sometimes i wonder kind of person i would be if the bad things that ultimately boiled down to a ptsd diagnosis never happened to me. to be clear—i don't regret that those thing happened. maybe a couple months ago i did, but the meds got rid of that thought pretty fast and that specifically is something to talk about another day.      i firmly believe that those events, and the events that followed, fundamentally shaped me into the person i am today. yet i still find myself drawn to the version of me that just simply never experienced all of that, imagining her, how she looks, how she acts, how she feels, how her life is perceived by her and how she experiences her life. does she dress like i do? smoke like i do? drink, like i do? if our lives are closely linear, and she met the exact same people i did — does she treat them & like them the same? do they like her the same? and that's the thing, i don't know!. although i'm a fairly imaginative person, i still can't think up her.

simply because i don't remember the previous 'me' or 'us' (before our lives would have theoretically split) anymore. obviously, 'i' or 'we' must have existed earlier, there's pictures of that girl, even some videos taken on a scruffy old nokia. but is it possible that all that existed then was a mindless body? and not a real conciousness? i have some memories from all the way back then, but they're so foggy i'm sure some of them could have been dreamed up on a hot summer night just a couple weeks ago. the point is, i don't think that i (read: my state of conciousness) existed then. i don't see that as a ridiculous statement either, considering the entire paragraph i just wrote. 
so what about future me? will she think that the current me never existed either, and i was essentially a mentally brain-dead body walking around, imitating my own conciousness? 

does any of this even make sense? it certainly does in my head, but there's always a bit of an issue when it comes to translating my thoughts into real, readable words & sentences. lmk babes!