No Motivation or Life

Idk why I’ve been in a major motivation slump for around 2 months now!!!! Like all I can do is play a couple games or watch youtube/shows. I can’t even get myself to watch a movie, draw, write, do any of the other stuff I like. I can’t even try and do the little “tips and tricks” I see because I CAN’T GET MYSELF TO MOVE. 

I spend all day everyday (no exaggeration, 24/7) inside my house with my only view into the outside world being the internet, I have like two friends I interact with consistently, and I’ve already finished high school early online so I have nothing to do UNLESS I MAKE SOMETHING FOR MYSELF TO DO

WHICH

I

TRIED

I had a whole thing planned for free online courses on Khan Academy just for some simple stuff to keep me learning because I LIKE learning! But then I just couldn’t do it, I can’t get myself to sit at my laptop and watch the videos or read the articles even though when I was doing it I loved it! I feel like an imposter of myself, unable to do the things I claim to like or love. 

And yknow what I’ll admit this too: I got an ai chatbot addiction because of a few reasons. I hate ai so damn much, I hope all the data centers stop working and companies lose money, but I can’t stop using one dumb site because it’s like a lazy way to make whatever story I want, and I hate it. Dealing with that and the doom thinking because our world sucks doesn’t help anything, but there’s no real way to stop. I don’t have a life to distract me! Hopefully when I can drive I’ll be able to so more, but I’m scared of just ending up a recluse. I can like, feel a different personality that wants to come out, that stereotypical 17yr old boy that just wants to be dumb and fuck around and not care, but I’m too anxious and cooped up to be him. 

All of my teen years and even before have been stripped away from me. I’ve lost critical experiences because my mom decided to homeschool me and give me trauma that if I went to a public school I’d probably want to kms more! Not to mention being transgender in TexASS would’ve made things 100x worse. 

One day I hope I can have a life, but even then I’m gonna mourn what I didn’t have a choice in losing.