late august rambles: are we still friends?

oh my gosh, it's only been a couple of days in to september and there are a lot of stuff that happened to me!! where do i begin... it's gonna be a long entry, i'm pretty sure.

work is still pretty shit to me, but i can (somehow) manage. though there are times where i envisioned on how i'd dramatically hand over my resignation letter or just randomly disappear one day, with no way of contacting or tracing me at all. that bossy guy at work still frequently comes and gives my life a living hell there, but i've managed to just brush off his unnecessarily mean and rude comments and just do my work.

surprisingly, i've gotten quite closer to this girl at work. i'm still wary of being all buddy-buddy with my colleagues, but she's the only one i tolerate (so far; hopefully i won't jinx it). maybe because we've got the same sense of humor or she's naturally extroverted and never runs out of stories to tell, we've basically become friends and somehow, going to work doesn't sound too dreadful.

and then there's this guy at uni. he's practically younger than me for at least 5 years and i'm in this weird dilemma of thinking "oh, he's into me" and "oh, he's not". i normally don't date guys younger than me because of my past experience, but i've also considered of giving it another chance. but he isn't making it clear what his actual motive is, but i'd hate to lose him. he's such a nice friend, though!! and although we're different majors, he's been a great help with destressing me from uni and work, and we've hung out for a couple of times now.

lately he's been kind of avoiding me and it's kind of confusing, because he told me he gets nervous and uneasy whenever he sees my texts, but he doesn't want us to stop communicating. so where do i go from here?? but being the older one from him, i'll just be upfront about this weird limbo we're in. i obviously don't want to waste my time and energy stressing and wondering over something i can't control.

now i'm not the very best to be friends with (ghosting people because of my mental health issues, not texting anyone first because of my pride, etc. etc.), but i've decided i've had enough of my asshole-y attitude. i started reaching out and connecting again with friends i've unintentionally abandoned, apologizing and letting them know that i'm still there. majority are just happy i've finally reached back to them since they always wondered what i'm up to haha.

though there's these 2 girls that i'm nervous and dreadful of reaching back. i've had a hard time looking up their accounts and when i did, i immediately gave them a short message about how it's me and apologizing for being a bad friend. still currently waiting for the replies (i did message them at butt crack of dawn because 3AM Thoughts™), and i'm currently on dnd BECAUSE! this is more nerve-wracking than confessing my love to any person, y'know. these were the 2 girls that i was close with a year ago, and the friendship just sort of "fizzled out" because one transferred department, and the other got busy with life like me.

i've already had 2 cups of coffee in 3 hours due to nervousness and trying to stop overthinking things before it gets out of hand and i convince myself they hate me, so now i'm just rambling and writing shit down here and making a complete fool of myself. i know excusing my mental health isn't a valid excuse; i do admit that i'm a bad friend throughout the years. hopefully i can be consistent and make up with them. but anyway, i digress.

so, i guess i'm off to a jumpstart when september rolled in. i was overwhelmed at work and uni, but i think i've managed to sort of control my emotions, if that makes sense, too. i'm just not too sure if my method is healthy for me in the long run. but as long as it works now! i feel quite better than before, so i guess it's a progress hehe.

i should probably make something to eat before i consume another cup of coffee again because of nerves. and if shit goes bad, oh well, at least i've made efforts of reaching out and apologizing. i'd rather do that than die thinking they hate me without ever doing anything about it.