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I don't know why do I get so emotional. A few days ago, I was watching some youtube videos with my boyfriend (mainly music videos) and when I said something like "well, now it's my turn, I wanted to show you--" and then he said something like (non literal interpretation from spanish) "NO you just listen to your litte asian things, it's always the same with you. with all those... symbols and things flying around(? I don't want that" and at first I just took it lightly like "huh? it's not my fault I listen to like three music genres! boooo you're so mean" with a little banter and so.
But actually I felt bad, because I was so excited to show him those Vivinos animations with Nastyona songs. And I felt like he just said he already knows my tastes are stupid and I'm stupid and my personality is bland and boring and empty so everything would be better if I just didn't make him know about anything annoying about me. This is because it's not the first time he behaves like this about my personal interests. I really want to know about his interests. Maybe black metal and russian literature aren't my favorite things of all times, but I enjoy it because it's about him, because I like learning about him and even if I when I don't want it, I do my best to try and not being offensive. Which doesn't really work in a 100% way, btw; he would prefer if I said everything is awesome and cool and I really like it. So I'm working on being nicer to him and stop making him feel uncomfortable.
However, I'm uncomfortable.
A while later, he actually passed the remote control to me and said "alright, pick" and I just was like... no. You pick again. He doesn't have to enjoy at all what I enjoy, much less sit down and go through it. I know many of the things I like are hard to pass for many people, so why would I make him do this? I enjoy to listen to whatever he wants tho, so it's more practical if I just listen to what I like by myself and then listen to what we both like when we're together! that was my line of thought at the moment. But he wasn't too happy about that. And I didn't get it like... alright! we're going to do what you want, why aren't you happy? what's wrong now with that?
As we where at the living room watching youtube on the tv, my mom came in and asked what are we gonna see next or something, I can't really remember, but there was also something like what was going on with me or why am I something and he said "she's mad at me because I said she only listens to her little asians" in a somewhat humored way and I just started crying. What did he think I was actually mad about, doesn't he really know? and, why did he had to remind me like... I was ashamed, but in front of who? I don't know. I don't really know. My mom left taking it with humor like "don't be mean to each other as a joke, don't make her cry huh". That doesn't matter tho.
But then he asked many times if I was actually mad, like almost worried, and as we walked out to walk together before he goes home, he asked more and wanted to explain that none of us has to enjoy anything the other enjoys necesarily and that doesn't mean anyone loves anyone than anyone and I was like I KNOW?? I felt anxious at the acquired concept about the fact he must think I have some kind of martyr / victim complex that I apply to the dumbest things.
I didn't even know how to articulate how I actually felt without sounding like a stupid martyr / victim complex.
We left it at that it's fine and I don't really know what happened and I'm still working on my reactions.
The other reason I felt conflicted about it it's because I already have confronted it before when I've felt attacked about things that turned out to be actually very silly, and of course, he has been very disgusted about these circumstances. I've gotten things similar to an ultimatum.
Even now, I feel like he's still upset about it.
It's just hard. How am I supposed to know when is it fine and when it isn't? I don't really know the true difference, I just get whatever sounds like an insult or a clue that I'm being deprecated as what it sounds like to me. How do I fix that?
what the hell is wrong with and why do i have to be such an insuffrable partner
(I'll thank any advice, please, I beg of you.)
Comments
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jamovi
first and most important thing: you *cannot* help how you feel or how something affects you. youre not a bad person or partner for having feelings and letting those feelings show! when it becomes a problem is when you let your feelings control everything. which it really doesnt seem like youre doing, because from what i read it looks like youre able to work through them and process them while theyre happening
youre not wrong for wanting to share your interests with your partner and have your partner be respectful about it. its true that you dont have to like the same things as each other but there should be some give and take! compromise and sacrifice are part of a healthy relationship! if youre willing to listen to his music and engage with his interests, despite not really caring for them much yourself, he should be willing to do the same for you!
it doesnt have to be all the time. you cant force someone to enjoy something that they simply dont like. but its about being together and sharing an experience, not liking the same things
definitely take more time to think through your emotions, maybe write your thoughts down, not from a highly emotional place though. because the next step would be to talk to your partner about how you feel and you dont want to use extremely emotional language that could lead to finger pointing and fighting. i think your thoughts here on this blog are important to bring up to him. they come from a place of logic, not just hurt or anger