Next Step 🎓

Deep in prayer, I find attention and in attention, I dissolve into the present. There is nothing else truly except the present moment. Only a moment, is a true experience. Anything else you experience, is a mirage, an echo. It is internal. All that is, and all that was, and all that will be -  happens, and is forever happening. The attention with which you read, is the same as the attention you were born with, the same when you noticed the patterned tiles you walk on, the same that slowed down to noticed falling leaves, the same that will reminisce the current moment you are in. This is all there is. 

Yet, I plan, and I dream. I am eager for the future, even though there is no such thing. Time is experiencing us, and to experience time the longest, you have to be still. Let each moment dance and paint, let each moment greet you. If time can be seen as a moving thing that is. Or else, you can forget such grand movements altogether. 

Both you and time can be still. Like clay, you can shape time however you want. With your experiences, with your attention, your breath, your passion and vices. It can be anything and everything. Anxiety about your life is strictly an earthly problem, a physical problem. 

I am not denying material and physical realities. You need food, shelter, air, water, nourishment of the body is crucial and necessary. These things are necessary for all, and all efforts in this direction are fruitful, and worthy of everything.

But each and every one of us lives forever in the moment. The moment is forever, and the present is what exists. 

If I am being completely honest, I am certain that I will live a fulfilling life (Insha'Allah), regardless of any circumstance. And yet...I am anxious!

It took me a long time to say this and mean it, but I am enjoying uncertainty for the first time. I am curious about what I will experience next, what I will end up doing, and what more I have to learn. I am glad that I am alive, and no longer apathetic. About 4 years ago, I started to feel again, after a long bout of apathy. Like a newborn baby, I was able to enjoy every feeling - sadness, happiness, annoyance, arrogance, envy, jealousy, agony, boredom, relief. Uncertainty, shame, and guilt were things I struggled with the most. I still struggle with them, but I think I have grown fond of uncertainty. I can sit with uncertainty, a little more comfortably now. Shame and guilt are ongoing projects, that have taught me a lot, and I am still learning and changing. 

Regardless, my next step is Graduate School, Insha'Allah! I am terrified, and excited. No matter what happens, I'm sure I will be alright. 

Until next time,
🪼Sufyan