Weightloss

Idk why im posting this but i have no one to say this to, i hate how when you get an eating disorder- it ruins your life. 

Its been 2 years since i stopped and i still miss it, i still wanna go back to binging and purging, i still wanna over exercise, but i know i shouldnt because it made my body weak, i had to go to doctors and hospitals multiple times a month, i lost half my hair to the point of bald spots, my bones got so weak that i broke my ankle, i didnt get my period for almost 5 months, but i still somehow miss it and i hate it. 

Im currently the heaviest ive ever been and idk what to do anymore, ive tried eating healthier but i somehow always ruin that, ive tried working out and im a very consistent person but my mom is emotionally abusive and literally ONLY calls me when im working out, ill be up for 5 hours doing nothing and asking repeatedly if she wants anything and she says no but as soon as i wanna workout for less than an hour, she calls me every 2 minutes. Its like im not allowed to do anything for myself, she screamed at me and told me instead of working out i should just “eat less”…thats an insane thing to say to your 16 year old who used to pass out in class and had to miss school multiple times because of their past ed. 

I genuinely feel sick to my stomach, and its not for other people’s validation either, its for my own. Idgaf what others think about me, but its the fact im disappointing myself. I told myself 6 months ago that by now id be down by at LEAST 5 kilos, and yet im at the same weight. Im hoping i can lock in until the end of this year at least and hopefully lose enough weight that i can go down a size in clothes, but im gonna try not to focus on the scale too much.

 I hate how my weight still consumes my life after all these years. If you are thinking about purging or starving yourself- dont do it. Even if you just wanna feel sick, DO. NOT. DO. IT. 

it will ruin your life, itll make you hate your life, your friends, your family, everyone. Itll make you lose your passion for your hobbies, its like your life will lose all its color. I miss the person i was before i gave in and started over exercising and purging. I miss the enthusiastic 13 year old me who would draw everyday and tried so so so hard to not focus on my looks, its not even about being pretty anymore. I know im pretty and considered attractive but im still so focused on losing weight just because i KNOW im factually overweight. 

Now i dont draw, when i do im just forcing myself, i dont watch anime, i dont read manga, i dont do any of the things i love. The only thing im passionate about is my love for music and vkei but thats about it. Im tired. Im sick of this.