sleepy anxiety

wah. sometimes before bed i get really anxious for no reason and idk why. today i got to do some fun stuff though! i went to the library and grocery store!! i bought cookies but turns out they were gluten cookies (ughhh), its ok though because my mom is super sweet and bought me gluten free ones T_T (she's so kind)

i did some art and also read a book outside for a few hours too. the book was really good and the art style was so cute! i ended up not really going outside of my comfort zone... it's another young adult graphic novel that is queer in some way... but it was a comfort read for sure. 

the protag also has facial blindness (something i have too!) so that was nice to read about and relate to. 

a little off topic from the book now, but i find myself getting really stuck in strict routine. im trying really hard to work on myself, to be able to handle more unpredictable things because life is just sort of like that, but i dont know it's just so hard. being autistic in a world that is constantly changing can be scary. i find myself always craving comfort, familiarity, and predictability. i worry people will get bored of me, or that i wont be able to keep up with everyone else a lot of the time.

ive been trying to do little things to get myself to be ok with small changes, but i usually supplement it with watching the same videos over and over, or holding a plushie that is familiar to me. i sometimes really feel like im not meant for all of this, but im trying my best and that's all you can do! im really lucky in a lot of ways, and that scares me, because i have a lot to lose. i just want to keep finding joy in simple pleasures. :)

some things ive loved lately:

- little tomato!! my red plush dog. its the ty beanie baby with the big nose lol! ever since i got him ive been really attached to him. he brings me a lot of comfort at the end of a long day. sometimes just seeing his beady little eyes makes me emotional T_T

- matcha lattes! however this has been a thing for me for a few years now. i get mine from the same cafe, the same way, each and every time, and its comforting to have!

- cute vlogs of people cooking! i especially like watching ones with bento boxes or asian food because its one of my favorite kinds of food. also baking videos are nice...

- ive been wearing this bunny bonnet my friend made! its pastel yellow and makes me feel very cute lol. its got big bunny ears!! sometimes its nice to just feel like a weird creature. one of my best friends says i look like "a walking flower" when he sees me around town wearing it lol. :3

anyways this has been lengthy. hopefully not too personal but idk, my website so too bad xD

i hope you guys have a good night!