Him

Gender dysphoria is probably the one common thing many trans teens experience. Despite that, throughout my life as a trans guy, i've never really thought much about how dysphoria will affect my life.. i never really mind how my skin feels or the missalignment between my body and my mind. None of it ever stopped me from expressing myself, especially when my siblings are very much aware of my identity. And so for the most part i felt pretty reassured, or so thats what i initially thought..

The more i grow up, the more the changes to my body become prominent.. at first i didn't care, my mom would let me pick out clothes from the men's section anyway. I tried to not let it get to me, i didn't care about getting periods either. At home i feel the most secure about my identity, my siblings treat me like a little brother, my sister often asks me to help her with lifting stuff, and she even introduces me as her little brother. Yeah the reassurance felt great, but i often wonder if any of them actually saw me as a guy?

At school is where things get worse, i feel completely unlike myself. I have to hide all of me under the girls uniform all day, going by a name that rings differently to my ear, and i have to abide to being seperated to the girls side..i feel so out of place whenever im with the pretty girls, like a hare trying to fit in between the rabbits. I'll have to accept that no one at school will ever know the true version of me, not even my friends. In fact, i probably would've lost all my friends even my closest friends and become the talk of my school if i came out to anyone there.

How i present myself at school and at home are WAYYY different from each other. I feel so dissociated at school, im convinced im two different people in one body atp. Sighhh the last thing i wanted to do was despise being in this body. In the end i could only say "if only i was born a guy" and hope i dont lose my will to continue living in the body i was given.

I've never told anyone about my trans experience but i feel better getting all of this out of system :p