Why cant i turn everyone into dough?

There are many injustices in this world.

War. Taxes. Mondays.

And then there is the greatest injustice of all: I cannot turn people into dough.

I have tried everything.

I have stared at people intensely. I have waved my hands dramatically. I have whispered ancient-sounding nonsense under my breath. One time, I pointed at my neighbor and yelled, “BECOME FLOUR!”

Nothing happened.

He just asked me if I was okay.

No, Kevin. I am not okay.

Do you have any idea how convenient it would be to turn someone into dough? Imagine being at a crowded party and thinking, Wow, this guy is annoying. Normally, you have to politely walk away.

But if you could turn people into dough?

Boom.

One quick spell and suddenly there’s a perfectly manageable ball of bread dough sitting where the loud guy used to be.

Obviously, I would use this power responsibly.

Mostly.

I don't understand why society refuses to give people the ability to transform others into baked goods. We already have ovens. We already have flour. We have yeast. The infrastructure is practically begging us to do this.

Instead, I am forced to live in a world where people remain stubbornly human.

Every morning, I wake up and check my powers.

Can I turn the toaster into dough?

No.

Can I turn my socks into dough?

No.

Can I turn myself into dough?

Thankfully, also no.

At this point, I have accepted that I may never achieve my dream.

Maybe someday science will catch up. Maybe some brilliant researcher will discover the mysterious “Doughification Gene.” Maybe I'll finally be able to point at someone and say the words I've waited my whole life to say:

“Rise.”

Until then, I will continue my research.

I have 47 bags of flour in my garage.

Kevin is concerned.

Kevin should be.