again and again...

Hey, little bats! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you’re all doing well.

Well, I haven’t written any blog posts since my graduation, and—let’s just say—things have been really good, but also really terrible.

Well, starting with the good news: I’ve been dating someone for eight months and I’m really happy because I’m in an incredible relationship filled with love and affection; I don’t go to school with my ex anymore, I’ve made new friends, traveled, and had some really cool experiences.

Now for the bad news... I’ve let down my mom, my aunt, and my best friend, and I’m going through a terrible time. All this chaos is heavily affecting my relationship—and me, too. I can’t kill myself or cut myself because if something goes wrong, I’ll lose my exchange program opportunity and get institutionalized.

I feel trapped—I can’t kill myself, but I also can’t calm down by cutting myself. Beyond completely destabilizing me, all this chaos is making me feel an extremely worrying level of rage; all my emotions have been dialed up way past the maximum.

I feel SO much anger.

I feel SO much jealousy.

I feel SO much sadness.

I feel SO much stress.

I feel everything bad SO intensely—but nothing good.

I just simply can't control this; these bad feelings completely take over me, and it makes me feel awful because I'm hurting the people around me too.

I feel like a monster; I feel like a disgusting, horrible person.

I just wish I could kill myself again and stop hurting the people I love.

I tried again this year, but without success...

I just live in constant sadness; I sleep most of the time, I feel angry at myself most of the time, and everything feels unreal again—like a dream turning into a nightmare. I just cry, I feel a terrible pain in my soul, and my health seems to be getting worse. Will I even make it past 18?

I have to tell you that if I make it past 18, I’ll have to throw a party with all of you to celebrate the end of a battle.

I just want this to end; I can't take any more pain, frustration, loss, disappointment, heartache, or any of this shit.

I just want to rest in peace...

It was good writing here again; perhaps I’ll write things here that no one else will ever know but you, little bats.

So I’ll wrap things up here—I’m off to sleep; tomorrow is going to be a tough day.

Love you all, dear souls..