human remains

i've been smoking american spirits

this is their earth day pack, thank you earth

i don't know what im doing and i cant figure it out

everyone around me seems to be working towards something, everyone is in school or graduated recently and is beginning some next step but i dont feel like ive even begun. thats the symptom of living next to a collage and university, i guess. ive been meeting lots of new people lately and they always ask where im from and are always surprised when i say im from here. because here isnt a place where you grow up, its a place you go to on vacation up the coast, retire, or some place you only refer to as "where i went to school" 

i want to be a doctor, or a firefighter. there's lots of fires to fight im sure i can make it work. there's a "red flag" warning on the weather app, ive never heard of it until now but i guess it means fires are more likely to happen because of the weird weather we've been having. it smells like wildfire outside. it smells hot and of dried grass and the lingering sweet scent of ash. the smell is addicting. i wish i was a dog, id sit down wind with my nose in the air and eyes closed. 

i'm in the kitchen, i sat down to let the water boil and have not gotten up. i need to boil the water again. 

i want to take an automotive course, learn how to work on cars. i want to be a psychologist. i can be a doctor-psychologist-firefighter who knows how to fix cars and smokes american spirits. 

my coworker drove me home the other day. it turns out that we only live a block apart from each other. she told me the older you get the more you feel like you have all the time in the world.

i miss walking my dog. we used to walk for hours each day but now she only goes out to pee. she spends all day laying down with her head on the floor weighted by the cone and bandage wrap bonnet. 

i need to make a shopping list and read my books before the library takes them back.

i watched the eclipse, i was in the middle of baking when my coworker reminded me to go outside. we ran out across the street, for a moment we forgot where the moon hung in the sky, we watched the shadow of the earth eclipse it and went back inside. he showed me all the photos he's taken of the clouds and sunsets since i like them so much. he showed me the dam he'd walk on growing up, his childhood house on google maps, and everything in his pockets (a box cutter, pocket knife, and a pen he spent too much on but likes very much)

i need to study korean, italian, and spanish more. 

i prefer to smoke camel cigarettes, camel golds or camel crushes, because my mother did when i was little. she'd wake up in the middle of the night and smoke standing halfway out the front door. my sister and i would wake up and watch her. she'd make us chocolate milk then we'd all go back to sleep until the true morning.

i went to the gym today, all i can do there is listen to music. it leaves me with my thought and makes me wonder about everything i want to know, i wonder what makes up you, like what's in your pockets. 

human remains - matt maltese

i'll come again, maybe you will too