Love

Okay so, as a Muslim girl I've NEVER EVER had and can't have a relationship for different reasons, my parents are strict abt this, and my religion won't allow it, but I had MANY crushes in middle school and here in the high school, I used to always look at my crush from far away cuz I was too shy and everytime they walk right in front of me I feel like I COULD DIE just this year I became more brave so I made friends with my crush and decided from now on that if I ever fall in love with someone I will just be their friend and nothing more everytime I try to think they can fall in love with me just makes me sick I don't feel beautiful enough for them I think they deserve more, and I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE SOME DUDE SAYING"you're cute" I THINK THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG PERSON BUDDY💔😭 but the point is I've always saw my crushes fell in love and somehow still be SOOOOO HAPPY FOR THEM LIKE OUUUU YOU FOUND YOUR GIRL???? MARRY HERRR many times I tried to put my emotions first thinking about "if they will have a gf they will talk nonstop about her and I have to listen" or things like that but no, I can't that's too selfish and IT'S NOT ME I NEED TO SEE THEM HAPPY I NEED TO FEEL HAPPY FOR THEM I CAN'T FEEL JEALOUSY OR SADNESS I JUST GET EXCITED AS THEM CUZ I START TO IMAGINE THEM HOLDING HANDS WITH THEIR GF OR KISSING EACH OTHER AND I ACT LIKE A CRAZY FAN OF THEM IGNORING COMPLETELY MY FELLINGS, I've seen my crushes getting a gf in front of me while I still love them with all of my heart and still be SOOOOO HAPPY for them always hoping they're love will last forever and that the partner can love them the same way I did I can NEVER wish they fall apart cuz if they ever did and knowing that I've wished for that just makes me sick and mad at myself for ruining the happiness of the man I loved I feel guilty so I always wish for the best for them, their happiness worth more than my fellings because if they're happy nothing can makes me more happy than seeing their smile and joy. Loving deeply someone means even let them go even if you're not ready... anyways KIKI LOVES Y'ALL!!!! (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)