How I turned my healthiest habit (journaling) into a delusional disaster

Intro: I FREAKING LOVE JOURNALING OKAY THAT'S TO START MY BLOG, I think I started around 2023 , used to put my goals and journal about my thoughts sometimes even yap about my interests and sketch my ocs there and it really helped me alot but lately I've been noticing myself using it in a ..not too healthy way

Well how do I put it... basically I've been writing the same things over and over again and they are dreams I never tried to work on, goals and plans I abandoned within a week or maybe less and some of my life issues being written in those pages over and over again, those pages felt kinda empty and soulless? No matter how many stickers or doodles I put there it will never have the lifely feeling on my old 2023 pages, well that's probably because the things I write are just a repetitive words I write to convince myself that I can do the things I want and change the things I want to change but in reality I'm just so scared to even start doing or changing because I have no control over the prosses and conclusions, even the vent pages are a bad habit of me to convince myself it's a starting point to get better 

My old journal pages felt more alive because I've written things I really really worked on and even the random topics I wrote there were an actual experience and not fragile wishes for a better  'next Time' scenario 

So basically no amount of planning and wishing and setting goals would ever save you from the fear of what's coming next, the only thing we can do is to walk into the direction we want even if we're not sure of what could happen next and experience live to it's fullest  although this is easier said then done but I don't to live my entire life chained by fear and delusions of getting better and living my life 

Anyways I brought a new journal today :3 it's big enough I probably can still use it until September 2027 or something, I wish this one will be filled with memories I lived to the fullest and things that I actually archived and not just a fake delusion of change 

(Forgot my bad English tho 😭😭😭)