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Growing up really sucks, im kind of losing interest in like everything i like, everything i wanna do..Im like an adult now still living at home (Im not going to college..maybe)
Theres like a lot i wanna talk about in this blog just to get it off my chest, i know no one reads these anyway so i wont die of embarrasment lol..
I really miss school. Which is weird because school was torture for me..i never had a good year, i was frequently outcasted by both classmates and friends alike and it had a severe impact on my mental health. However, school made my life predictable, well somewhat. I had routine, i had a social life, i was not home. I was so miserable in my last year out of the mere fear of the unknown. Sure, i ended up fine. I have two jobs now so im technically in my dads good books (so he wont kick me out) but theres no routine..i cant find any sleep anymore, if im not working, im not doing anything. It just sucks. I feel so empty and alone which in all truth will be my fault. I distanced myself away from my old friends because of how they treated me in the past 2 years, after confronting them about how i felt, i blocked everyone until end of exams. I dunno why i hoped maybe they would reach out in real life..maybe i was stupid. I blocked them, in their eyes i hate them, I remember writing out my goodbye for now letter on my notebook and i did write that i hated them. But thats not really true. Even though they really hurt me, made me feel so dumb..they were people i could just be me around..maybe? They were really the only few who just instantly made my day just be walking through a door. They really meant a lot to me..but given after what i said i dont think making up is an option. They probably think i hate them..or worse..they might hate me for saying it all. I should have read what my friend said before leaving. If I feel so strongly for these old chums, why was i so afraid of confrontation? Its like..whatever now anyway. I ruined it all, and im sure they didnt really care..Walking into exams was heartbreaking yknow, not that long after my final text, did they immediately acted as if i was nothing more than a stranger or a ghost..I didnt exist..God it sucked. It made me believe everything i thought was true. I was nothing more than an annoying school friend. It sucks it really sucks.
Since last May i have been tormented by a guy called Will. I was so lonely at the time because no one spoke to me during summer that as soon as Will and I clicked i thought "maybe this guy gets me" and i wish i never said that to him. It brought out the worst in him. Maybe in me too. He was really manipulative and controlling, demanding to know who was talking to me and who i was talking too. He (still to this day) bothers my friends and mutuals (gave my friend a panic attack and stalks my other friends tt) thats only a teeny weeny spec of what has been happening. Everytime i block him. One of us comes back. It sucks..I cant stop caring even though i hate his guts. I think its because I really am alone, I am just the same as he is for me. Dependent. It sickens me to the core, I really am so pathetic..Anytime he comes up in conversation, any interaction he tries to give just sends me into an exhausted mess..
It was my aunts birthday last weekend and the topics of trans people came into the conversation. Just knowing how my family feels about trans people I am so afraid of what could happen when they find out. Everything is found out, its just a matter of time honestly. I would be kicked out and ostracised on the spot (not kidding). It just makes me think, whats the point in living if i cant enjoy myself? If i cant be myself? I swear..only rich people are the ones who really get to live.
I dont know if its nostalgia speaking or how i genuinely feel but i really just miss the old times where i played stupid card games and not a worry in the world. I knew my day in and out..i didnt have to feel as lonely as i do now..i dont have to...i dunno. Its actually kind of the same as school as it is being an adult. It just sucks haha..
Thats kind of whats on my mind anyways..Thx for reading
--C♡RRY
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opossuwu
:( i feel ya so bad. everybody leaves, or we make stupid decisions, or maybe time just gets ahold of everyone else too. school felt like a physical safe haven. it was definitely torture while dealing with it in the moment, but looking back, it really was better than being home and away from other human beings. there's a sort of community in it that you dont see in much other places anymore, unless you look reaally hard... i also lost a really loving, caring, helpful friendgroup due to a stupid choice i made. they all still had their faults, that's being human, but my brain cannot help but grasp only onto the bad parts because i still have to cope with losing those special people.
i also get you in the fact that there are some evil ass stalker people that wont leave you alone and hurt you and barely make you feel good, but you cant help but care or love them still because..that's a trauma bond for ya... they're weird. they come in different shapes and sizes, but the feeling is the same. i really hope you all can get away from him, i'd sock him right in the face if i could. i really hope things turn around for you.
Tysm for the comment ♡♡ I really really appreciate it :") I didnt think anyone would see this, let alone read it all. Tysm for your words they rlly mean a lot ♡ your a legend :)
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