.03 reunion bitching

something that really CHAPS MY ASS about this whole reunion, is one of the very things I was afraid would happen.

I fear everybody got excited about the concept of it

&& for them it's a happy event

they've never lived with the burden of it

I've lived with this identity crisis and trauma, they haven't

there's a lot of complicated emotions involved in a reunion

& I'm NOT commiting some atrocity by saying that

it's known & understood that reunion should be handled with CARE bc of the delicate trauma involved 

it's something I expressed was a concern of mine

& a big reason why I needed to remain in control

& make SURE that I'm okay with how fast it progresses, what info is shared, and ultimately whether or not I want to participate

they have the same ability to choose if they wanted me in their lives, and while it would have been heartbreaking to be rejected, I would have accepted that and worked through it.

but they immediately wanted to dive in, and that, in itself is worrisome, because it told me, they low-key might not be ready for what this entails. 

this is just another fun story for the facebook page for them 

I should be able to assimilate to their lives with ease and have no problem whatsoever right? >_< wtf

my main complaint is they didn't HAVE TO INVITE ME 

I should have never been expected to just fit in like a puzzle piece and proceed as if there isn't deep healing involved.

Bro ignored me for damn near 8 months. 

If he didn't have the bandwidth, time, or interest in tackling this relationship building with me, then WHY even invite me here?

I made it clear I didn't need saving, and I didn't want to be used.

Acting surprised that I'm struggling and shaming me for it just tells me I don't really need to waste my time

I'm not begging for approval, respect, acceptance

I'm already happy with myself, despite my flaws 

I'm a survivor, not a victim. 

And it's because I'm a survivor that I'm not afraid to speak plainly about shit. Its the reason I don't compromise who I am to fit anywhere. I didn't come here to feel bad about myself. 

I don't need to earn anyone's approval. 

It was their mistake for thinking I would waste my time doing such a thing. 

I didn't come here criticizing them for who they are, what they do, or anything. And I could have. 

But it's been made very clear that I haven't been afforded the same respect as an adult or a person.

Apparently there was some convos about it, during Nani's last visit. He said something like "maybe I dealt with things poorly"

Wow. Enlightening.

But sounds like avoidance is also family tradition

So if he doesn't reach out, that's okay

I may find the words to say something someday, but I struggle to even bother, when so much of what I've said has already been misconstrued or used as ammo. 

Makes me want to just close the door and keep it stepping like I always have. 

No bitterness, just a huge bummer. Im glad I came, because now it's an adventure for myself, and there is a sense of closure. 

Maybe someday down the line that will change and the needle will move toward connecting for real, and that would be really rad bc I feel there's so much opportunity for collaboration

But I won't be making a fool of myself begging to be understood, that's never been me ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ