Social Authenticity

My classmate and I got on video call. I was showing her some of the new trinkets I’ve bought. I got a tad too comfortable and was rambling like I’d do when filming or talking to myself. Perhaps she got bored, or was uninterested. Perhaps she only agreed to video call because she felt pressured, or bad not to do so. I don’t know—I’m not the type to pressure myself or admit to those social rules. My logic is simple: If I feel bad, I leave. If I feel like it, I stay. I calculate my will, niceties, and what’s best simply and quickly. I don’t understand social cues. So I never really know if a person is actually interested, or is just playing nice. I get it, I’m a bit bizarre and unpredicted. But that’s the way I am. I might not talk to you for months, but I’ll click immediately. That doesn’t suit or sit right with many people, that’s fine. But that’s the way I am.

I talk about things I love over and over again. I over-explain. I make sassy remarks. I might come off as rude, but I never, ever mean to be. Perhaps I step in too quickly, in a way that’s strange because I’m not the popular extrovert kid, but the introverted person who only talks to reply. And I don’t bother with being meticulously alert to people’s reactions or “what-ifs”, because I’m not their social justice. If they’re sick of me, they can hang up. If they’re bored with me, they can tell me to fuck off. It’s not rude to apologize for being uninterested.

I swear. I’m very laid back, socially. My only issue is: When to stop? Because I actually enjoyed talking for 30 minutes about nothing—rarely it is I get to do that.

What if she badmouths me? Calls me a blabbermouth, rude, nosey, or stupid, behind my back? I sort of don’t care. Honestly. Let me be the weird kid. As long as I’m happy.