I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.

I wish I didn't have to live, despite all the good things in life and all my loved ones.

I don't want the burden of having to keep living, because happiness feels temporary while pain feels capable of swallowing everything.There is both happiness and unhappiness in life, but unhappiness is much stronger.

When I'm going through a sad and difficult time, something that would normally make me extremely happy might not be able to affect me. but when I'm happy, one bad news can make me feel bad for months.

knowing that I won't always be happy when I'm happy reduces the impact of my happiness. for example, even when a person is very happy, that person is always has a problem somewhere deep down, there is necessarily something sad that bothers, but depressive episodes are not like that, there is not the slightest happiness or hope in you when you are unhappy, you can never be completely happy anymore. but you can be completely unhappy, at least I'm speaking for myself, so it's not worth it, it's not worth living.

The frightening thing about happiness is knowing that it can be taken away. I don't fear that life contains sadness. I fear that sadness can become so complete that nothing beautiful can reach me, if u know what i mean.

How am I supposed to surrender completely to happiness when I know I will eventually have something to lose?

do you have a great group of friends, it ends, do you have a perfect relationship, it ends. even if you have a priceless life, it will come to an end eventually. maybe I will meet loml , and love and find life worth living because of that person, but I will never be satisfied inside, because I will always have a great fear that it will end.

so if they asked me before I was born if i want to come to this life, I would say no, or if everyone forgot my existence and I could be quietly erased from the world, I would like it. Idk if this something suicidal but this is how i feel lately.

in short, nothing matters

love always.