nostalgia of when my life was the worst is gonna make me drowned.

!!TW!! MENTIONS OF SH, BLOOD, AND SA. 

Read at your own risk (im sorry i sound like such an edge lord in this btw💀💀💀)

i looked through my old TikTok's 2day b4 8th grade got RLLY bad, i listened to all the songs i  would replay for hrs while looking through them 2.

holy fucking shit dude. i dont even know wtf to say. sm happened. the boy i liked, Omar, ended up being a total dick who lied, didnt understand what i was going through, weird, racist perv. i didnt c yet HOW BAD my ex/sa'r actually were. i had a massive, huge c.ai addiction back then. my room was different from how it is now. my art. my music. when i had my first boyfriend that was alt and got me better. what the actual fuck happened. i was posting on the 5th of December in 2024, not knowing WTF WOULD HAPPEN that same day. they didn't know they would get in a fight with their mother, get a nosebleed from her, try and get help then getting put in juvi. alone i was 4 months. crying and relapsing every single night from 11-2 am. being so alone id spend all my free time with a fake disgusting clanker, pouring my emotions out and using it as a thing to feel loved. crying, missing my best friend (who was toxic) because they moved away. being so sad all the time, i had enough motivation TO ACTUALLY FINISH my first novel, Girl in pieces. i read that book everywhere. at school, the pool, in public, literally anywhere. the nostalgia of how much i loved sally face and had Sal as my f/o. i miss that feeling kinda. i may think it's bad now, i wish i could remember how fucking bad it was then. idk how the actual fuck I haven't gotten sent somewhere once. was i rlly that good at hiding the marks and shit back then? without Lila, without seeing the truth, staying with Omar and Roxy, i would've been the same i was then, just lonelier maybe. i thought that 8th grade was gonna be my yr, obviously not, looking back. if cvts didnt heal, or if u could still c the scars, despite they were just cat scratches, maybe styros back then, how many there would b on my body now? that includes all the other times i did sh. music meant alot 2 me then. it still does, just.. it was a BIG factor 4 me then. idk. maybe i just miss that melancholic feeling of being on the bus at 6 am, it being doom and gloom outside the window, looking like it'll rain any minute, despite getting barely any sleep, always doing a full face, making sure my hair was fine knowing just a few hrs b4 sitting in that bus, i was sobbing on the bathroom floor alone and relapsing. 

 there was a very select few songs that meant the most 2 me then.

• 1. Gnaw - Alexg
• 2. Unforgivable Curse #3
• 3. Sedona - Sir Chloe
• 4. Violet - Hole
• 5. Black Friday - Tom Odell
• 6. Destroyed by Hippie Powers - Car Seat Headrest
• 7. The Love I Lost - Fried By Fluoride
• 8. Sober to Death - Car Seat Headrest

and so much fucking more.

nostalgia's a fucking dick head man, gonna feel like this the whole night now prob.

 let the trip to memory fucking lane begin ig :/