The Concept of Being Controlled: What does breaking free feel like?

I've lived my whole life, so far, in a religious, toxic and misogynistic home. I can't speak or simply exist without someone's hot breath down my back about being proper- especially as a pastor's kid- and perfect. But what happens when you break free from all that? My parents always had their vision of me: a global preacher that was good in every sense that would "rule the world" and then I'd settle down and submit to some man to lead me. But obviously I'm not going that route. Personally, I've always been an artsy creative person. So I had to fight to not be forced to med school or something like that. And I've also deconstructed. I believe that as a smart person, you should naturally question things, things like religion. And when you get a little too deep into that, you start to see the flaws. It happened because I was finally broken enough to want to conform to the Christian life, but then I began to see some messed up things in the bible and the Christians around me. It was all just a scam!! A big scam to control people. It also doubled as a money laundering gig for some and cult to most. But I'm not here to dig too deep into my deconstruction. (Hopefully I can write about it in another entry) I found out about how I've been conditioned to be a controlled woman that relied on men as the backbones of society. I was trained to see femininity as weakness. So I started to be more masculine. But that doesn't really get to fly in a misogynistic household but I somehow got away with only a few scars both physical and mental. Then came the journey inwards. When I became a teenager I eventually had to start learning about me and my whole sexuality. I had female crushes and male crushes and I was a very firm ally of the LGBTQIA+ community but I was so uneducated that I thought one could only be lesbian, gay, straight or bisexual. Some thought I was bisexual for the longest time but I wasn't really feeling it so I labeled myself queer. And during this self discovery process I was forcibly being taught to hate on the queer community I was secretly a part of. I eventually found out I was pansexual in one of the roughest times of my life. All this helped me realize that I was truly my own person. And if I went the way everyone else wanted me to, I'd miss out on being me. So here I am with that knowledge. I've begun to rebel and despite the physical abuse I've managed to secure small bits of freedom. I might be called selfish or self centered but I'd much rather die than live the life of lies that they idolize so bad. Yes, I still have eyes on me, but I've learned to live with it. And that in itself became a sort of extra bit of freedom for me. I'll try to write more on different aspects of my life and my learnings if this gets any traction. Thank you for making it to the end. And yes, I would gladly take requests! Salutations, Z❤️