venting

woah yay. got timed out of my tumblr so now you all(nobody) has to face the consequences 

I feel like I’m doing a lot of things wrong probably. I feel like shit and I want to tear my heart out

I want to tear a lot of things out. like my tits probably. the fat on my legs. my face

I don’t know. I don’t care. I care a lot. 

I’m scared of being talked to but I want people to talk to me. I’m a big fucking hypocrite. 

I hate my school. I hate my life. I hate how I hate my life. I’m ungrateful.

I hate my dad and I hate that I hate him too. I know he tries. but he does make me want to die too. 

I feel so exposed to the world. I wish I could just stay online all day. I don’t have to see what people think of me. I don’t have to see their faces.

I’m afraid of the world. 

I really wish I liked myself. there was a solid good time a year ago where I was actually happy. I know what it’s like to be happy and I’m not sure if that makes it worse or better. I’ve heard of people that are depressed for years. I don’t want that to happen to me. I’m scared

but maybe I’m a huge hypocrite. I don’t want to go to therapy. I’m afraid. I don’t want to look at someone. I don’t want to think of them. I just want to exist. is it so wrong that I want the easy way out? 

my dad always said it’s not okay to want shortcuts. He doesn’t want me to get antidepressants either. he wants me to go to therapy at least probably. he’s also a fucking hypocrite then. 

sometimes I feel like crying but I can’t. It feels like holding in a sneeze on acccident. 

how could anyone ever like me. I should probably die. I’m not going to though. I’m too scared. I’m afraid of so much. I’m a pussy

I’m afraid of everything really. I just pretend I’m not