choir tour: mixed outcome

Just a couple days ago, i came back from international tour. We (my choir) were in sweden and denmark, for a competition.

The competition itself was suspicious not gonna lie, but the experience was fun. There's an exhilaration to being on stage in that way. It helps that the music our conductor picks is usually pretty awesome. 

We won second in a category, and scored highly in another two. The competition, though important, was probably one of the less notable aspects of the tour to me. 

More important than it was spending time with my friends---the last occasion I would spend with them for a while, considering I am moving away for university this week. We were able to row on a recreation of a viking ship, which I thought was really cool. There was a cultural museum we visited which was also fun.

We also explored Kronborg castle, where Hamlet takes place. My favourite part of that was going underneath, where they kept prisoners and stuff it was sick as hell.

Being older this time around there were freedoms I was not granted last time we did this. Also, being diabetic gave me freedoms in a different way too. One of my favourite memories was when my blood sugar was high after breakfast in Copenhagen, and, consequently, being allowed to walk around the city with friends to bring it back down. Stores weren't open yet but it was the first taste of unsupervised exploring I had on tour. More would come later. I was also allowed my phone, when no one else was, because of my diabetes.

I also remember making friends with people in the choir I didn't know as well, and becoming closer with others I had not had the chance to see a lot. Many moments I felt happy to be around my friends.

Also, I love how much we walked; compared to North America, it felt like you could travel the whole of the cities by foot. And the amount of cyclists and bike lanes; biking is not as popular where I live, though I like cycling, and it was really cool to see how popular it was as a mode of transportation there.

hover on the pics for context :P

We also travelled 3 years prior to this; they felt very different to me. Whether it was the experience that was different, or me who was different, I wonder. I'm older now; I was fifteen during the first, going into my first year of high school. I am eighteen and graduated now, though. It didn't feel as carefree this time around, as joyful. 

It's harder for me to regard those older as infallible. She doesn't always know best anymore. I find myself more opinionated, and occasionally opinionated in a way that clashes with her.

I wish I had a solo. I wish I had a good enough voice for her, good enough to be important. As soon as additional choristers joined us for tour, I became superfluous. I wondered, if I did not sing, would it make a difference? 

Before tour, she told us that she would probably offend us during tour. She's always had a bit of a blunt way of talking to us, she doesn't have time to comfort us for things that do not really matter. She apologized in advance for any offences. 

Does a broad cop-out apology really cover how she singles me out? I must wear makeup, she instructed me in front of the whole choir---instructed me, only me, no one else. Then, following it up with a comment about how no boy must wear makeup. I'm not the only gender-queer person in the choir, though, I'm the only closeted one (as far as I'm aware). I wear it like a badly kept secret, really it's plain to see if you are open-minded enough to look. She knows I question, and she also knows the circumstances that keep me tucked in the closet against my wishes. It hurts, not just to be told to wear makeup, I could handle that I think, but to be singled out in front of the whole choir for it.

Then, later, being tracked down and forced to confront her against my wishes, because a friend wanted to express how he had issues with how she spoke to me. If they have a problem with me, they can come to me themselves. I didn't go to them, though, that didn't seem to matter I suppose.

Does a broad cop-out apology cover the voice she would get with me, high pitched and artificially sweetened like a mother would use with a small child, when she would be making fun of me? That simile isn't even all too right, though---more like the voice you would use to baby-talk to a particularly dumb dog. Throughout the tour, she would take on this voice to make fun of mistakes I've made, or even just my habits, my behaviour. 

I know I have my oddities. I know I am sensitive. I am also eighteen years old, master of my own house. I wish she liked me as an adult, or even at least as a late teen, rather than a child. Love and condescension are compounded when it comes to me, while only the former is gifted to others. Some quality of me is just childish, unbeknownst to me, I suppose; I don't feel like a child. I feel like this tour I cried like one, though.

A final blow were the farewell speeches. She gives one to each of the senior choristers who are moving on. I was last, and it begun with a criticism of me. Apparently I ask the same question over and over and over, and it can be a word starting with 'a'. She would glance at her phone as she gave the speeches; did she note it down, that she had to call me annoying in front of everyone? No one else was demeaned in their speech. Words like "kind", "intelligent", "great humour" were gifted to the other seniors graduating. I was called quirky. Seriously? I guess I didn't expect to be condescended at during my speech. 

Coupled with a whispered "I love you" when we hugged. There's a farrago of feelings in my chest that feel too tangled to unravel. It's all over now, though. I don't know if I need to parse them. 

I'll never be a real member of that choir again. I expected it to make me feel worse than it does. I think, with the way I feel disappointed with myself in not being better my final year I feel more ready to move on.