Two Years Without You

Two years ago, i lost the person who was probably the most important person in my life. She was my best friend, but honestly, calling her just my “best friend” never feels like enough. She was the only real friend i felt i truly had. She was the person i could talk to when i was having the worst days, the person who could make me laugh when i when i was at the worst point of my depression, and the person who somehow made everything feel a little less difficult just by being there. 

It has been two years since she died, and sometimes i still can’t believe i’m saying that. Two years sounds like such a long time, but to me, it doesn’t really feel like it. There are still moments when i want to tell her something that happened during my day, or send her a stupid message, and then i remember that i can’t. That she won’t answer. That i will never hear her voice again.

I miss her more than i know how to explain.

She helped me through some of the hardest moments of my life, even when she probably didn’t realize how much she was helping me. Sometimes, just having her there was enough.

And then there is something i still struggle with. I keep thinking that i should have done more for her.

She was there for me when i was struggling, and sometimes i wonder if i was there for her enough. i wonder if i should have noticed something, said something, helped her more, or somehow made things different. I know, deep down, that it wasn’t my fault. I know i couldn’t have known everything, and i know i wasn’t responsible for saving her. But knowing that doesn’t make the feeling disappear.

I think that is one of the hardest parts about losing someone. Your mind keeps creating different versions of the past, imagining what you could have done differently, even when there was nothing you could have changed.

I wish i had more time with her.

Today is her 18th birthday, and i felt the need to write this; i apologize if this wasn't the kind of post you were expecting at 4 a.m., lol.

Happy birthday Raquel.

I just wish i could tell you one more time how much you meant to me.