immature

i'm insecure.

so, there's this girl, she was my friend, but she was always telling me things like 'you need a glow up', 'your selfies look like you're trying to look cute', 'try something more spicy', 'that's childish...' and stuff like that. her style is beautiful, but it's not my style, and I created this insecurity in my head that other styles are bad, and that my 'cute' style was childish and I needed to grow up.

 to be honest, I've ALWAYS had that insecurity, the insecurity of being lesser in every way, of seeming like a child, having childish humor, my body not being 'mature' or 'big girl,' because since my childhood (4 yo) I was the most 'baby' of the groups, and hanging out with girls my age makes me feel behind 

then I grew up and developed my own tastes (journal, animes, kpop, classical music, books, non-sexual stuff...), everything was fine, I liked being who I was and felt good about myself, but that girl... that girl put in my head those things are cringe and "not mature enough" and everyone who like those things need to change their personal tastes.

honestly, i didn't care too much, but my insecure of being immature just get bigger, inconsciently, i started to compare myself again. 

i used to stalk her on ig, i searched for 'glow up tips', i tried to watch series that don't match with my style, i even stopped listening to kpop for a while, but i wasn't doing this for me, i was doing this for... her. 

i was doing those things to feel like her or even better than her. i started to feel anxious when looked in the mirror. i started dress different and i forgot who i was.

i forgot i looove to play classical piano, i forgot that i looove to dance listening to nwjns, i forgot i loooovvve to laugh and cry watching anime, i forgot i looooooooooove to write in my diary and i LOOOOOOVE to sing and i freaking love my cringe humor. i also forgot how pretty i was, and i forgot how beautful my style was.

i'll change, i am changing, i am growing, i am learning and i keep maturing, because this is my first time living, and maybe the girls my age are just too fast. maybe she was too fast for her age. 

yk a funny thing? no one thinks i'm immature or childish. she left my life and i wish her happiest life ever, because maybe she was just a sad person who was trying to 'help' me seeing her insecurits on me. maybe she was jealous, maybe she was silly, maybe she was really sad, i don't know, but she can't affect me anymore.

obviously, my insecure will not just disappear, it will slowly be forgotten and one day will be just a legend.

i am good enough for me.

btw, sorry for the bad english, i am not fluent yet TwT