(TW: self-harm, sexual assault, grooming, bullying, homicide)

I still remember her. She was beautiful.

Her name was Amilia. She had beautiful short, straight, black hair, she was pale and a little taller than me but quite short compared to her classmates. She was very beautiful and I wanted to be like her.

Amilia was older than me and even had a boyfriend. I met her when I was 8 years old. She had gone through similar things to me, and that's why we understood each other. We were both deeply affected by bullying, and finding someone with the same problems as me was like a blessing. Since we became friends, she was like an older sister to me. We did almost everything together: we had lunch together, did schoolwork together, listened to music together, laughed together, went out together, confided in each other and cried together, suffered bullying from our classmates together, watched anime and played video games together. She liked Danganronpa, just like me! She took care of me, comforted me when I needed it, treated my wounds, gave me good advice, went home with me, taught me many things...We even did ballet together! We were inseparable. We used to talk a lot about our problems, our fears, our traumas, and our mental health... which wasn't very good.

...

I had been self-harming since I was very young, I don't remember how it started..I was afraid to tell her.

Until one day she started talking about self-harm, we were talking about this topic, she told me that she self-harmed and liked it and I confessed that I also self-harme..Since then, she encouraged me to cut more, to cut deeper. She told me there was nothing wrong with it and that this was our way of coping with our traumas, that it was our secret, just ours. Because she was older, I trusted her a lot, loved her very much, and didn't question what she did

She used to show me some adult content, did and said some rather weird things to me. I felt like I shouldn't do any of that and even wondered how her boyfriend would feel about it, but she insisted, saying it was normal for girls to do that to each other. She always told me: "What happens between us stays between us", "Nobody needs to know.",  "I'm not friends with a snitch, am I?" and I never told anyone.

She used to tell me how cute I was and how I was like a little sister to her. She treated me in a way that made me believe I couldn't live without her, that I needed her, that I couldn't lose her. I depended on her, and just thinking about losing her destroyed me. I did everything to have her with me; I cried buckets when she threatened to end our friendship. After all, she was my friend. She was my best friend..

...

Our friendship continued until I overheard her talking about me to her boyfriend and I found out that she was just like them, she hated me behind my back. I was assaulted and bullied every single day because of her while I thought she was my friend.

I cried for hours. I remember completely losing my sense of everything and grabbing the knife that I kept in my backpack and stabbing her back, she fell to the ground and then I stabbed her head, then her torso many many times, then her arms and hands, then gouging her eye and then I hit her forehead. She died beneath me. I've never been so afraid of myself, my hands were covered in blood and I smeared it on my face because I covered my face to cry. I ran away to the church. I wanted to apologize. so I knelt down and prayed, I prayed for forgiveness until they arrived. And there they took me away.

They handcuffed me and treated me like I was a animal. I was so scared I couldn't even speak and I couldn't breathe properly. They treated me so violently. I was a kid... It wasn't like I tried to escape, I accepted being taken. I wasn't even 12 yet, I didn't understand anything, I just wanted to stay at church longer.