This Year's Goals + How I'm Going to Change

The college struggle has been so real the past two years and I'm super over it. I can't transfer schools or drop out for various reasons, but even though I'd do much better somewhere else or in a different program, I can't change anything due to my hyper-personalized course load. 

At the end of last semester, I really found myself, had this whole comeuppance, this 180 "what am i doing with my life" type of thing. I started putting more effort into a lot of things and my attitude changed drastically. I was able to get closer to two people in my program and feel more accomplished in my academics in general.

This upcoming semester, I have several goals. I wanna blog them cause why not? Plus it might be cool to look back on and say "hey, look what i was and wasn't able to do!" or if anyone wanted to follow my journey, that'd be cool, too, but nobody really looks at blogs for some reason. 

To anyone wanting to change, wanting a better college/uni experience, here is my story and my goals:

1. Spend as much time out of my dorm as I can. Last year, I stayed in my dorm whenever I didn't have classes. As much as I love my private time alone from people (especially when I don't have any friends), when I got so overworked from my classes that I consistently stayed out of my room for like 10-12 hours every day, I felt that it was easier to have excuses to talk to the person I've been trying to befriend for a year at that point. When I'm physically present and easily accessible, it just makes me a more convenient person to talk to.

1B: I go to college in a very expensive city. And I'm completely broke and in debt. That's why I never did anything or spent time outside my room, and any campus spaces are taken up quickly by people studying or friends talking. But my college opened this room that's tech-free and full of board and cards games. I'm going to try to spend time there and ask to join people's games in an attempt to make friends. I really struggle with being the forward person, but I've been feeling a lot more confident lately and a lot more desperate for something to change so haha. And I do think whoever actively chooses to spend their time at a place like that on campus is probably someone I'd get along with. I also really wanted to join a board/card game club since freshman year, but the only ones we have are only for people within certain majors and it's so dumb. 

Outside of this, I want to spend more time outside before it gets horribly cold, spend more time just on my department floor, more time on campus. Whatever I wanna do in my dorm, I'll just do somewhere on campus. Maybe people will come up to me. Maybe I'll see someone cool and go up to them. Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't. But at least I'll feel like I'm making an effort.

2. Speak my mind. As an art student, I am constantly put outside of my comfort zone of forced group projects with my small major, forced group conversations, and obviously I have to give feedback to my classmates, most of which I've never spoken to outside of class...it's really difficult to act like I know them in class and act like my feedback is valuable when I'm worse at the assignments than everyone else, but I need to. I need to also feel more confident with my work. I know it's not going to be as perfect as everyone else's seems to be, but I've been letting that bog me down. Really, I need to hone in on what I enjoy doing because passion will almost always make up for a lack of skill or experience, especially in art school. So, speak my mind when giving feedback and creating projects. I might sound ridiculous because some of my ideas aren't the most serious thing ever and I am someone with a vast array of influences, many of which may be deemed "cringe" and whatnot. We're on spacehey, I think you get the gist haha. But I already don't have friends so how much worse could it get by just expressing these things? In a fairly accepting art school, too? I need to just do it.

3. Work on assignments outside of class in excess. Rather than only focusing on my assignments enough to get them done (i'm talking normal assignments, not projects. I always put a lot of effort into projects), I'm going to work a lot harder on them in between classes, after class, etc. Where I'd usually go to the dorm and chill, I'll stay on campus somewhere and work on stuff. The more effort I put into my schoolwork last semester, the happier I felt and the more accomplished I felt even if I didn't get the best grades. At least I had truly tried and I had the hour count to prove it. Plus, always being busy with schoolwork made me feel like I was officially a college student, like maybe I could relate to others I guess. Idk how to explain that.

4. The dorm courtyard. Coffee shops. In general, work on schoolwork in either off-campus public spots or just public spots. I have a hard time focusing on my work when I'm not in my dorm though, so we'll have to see how 3 and 4 go. But anyways yeah, if I want a more private spot to do work that I feel like people may approach me at, my dorm this year has a courtyard! It would be so cool to make a friend in my dorm building. 

5. Make a schedule that includes hobbies and chores and actually stick to it. I hate working on a schedule. I really do. But I can't ignore the fact that I function so much better and so much more efficiently with one. Incorporating working out last semester was such a good thing for myself and part of how I've gained so much confidence lately. Fitting it into my schedule was the hard part. Most of my classes don't start until like 2pm, so theoretically I can go to the gym before class/work. I'll need to made a schedule to ensure I stick to that. Also, to ensure I don't let schoolwork eat up every single other part of my life!!! There were several hobbies I just stopped doing because I had no time last semester and I really need to keep at it! Drawing, language learning (traveling soon need it for that, after graduation will be traveling all over, too), spending time on spacehey, playing a game I love, writing, reading, etc. But I can do these outside of the dorm, too!

It's all gonna boil down to my ability to do things outside of the dorm which keeps me motivated anyways and my ability to speak confidently to others and build on base-level conversations so that I can hopefully make friends. Embrace who I am and stop being terrified people won't like me if I do cause I don't have any friends anyways with me hiding my nerdy interests. I'm actually so excited for this challenge. I really do hate college and I've had a miserable past two years, but I want to give it everything I have this time.

Freshman year coming into college, I was here for fun and learning unique stuff and feedback and very little else. I wasn't here for the essays and tests and the actual school part. I just wanted to have fun and get a degree while I was at it. I think I can have that, but I'm never going to get it without also working extremely hard. Not that everyone has to, but that it's really difficult for me personally. And that's fine. I'm two years late, but I'll do it now. Please, if anyone reads this, wish me luck in my goals. School starts back in September! I only have one class im dreading and the others all sound really great, too! 

If you're having similar issues making friends at college, being yourself, not meeting your own expectations, etc, we got this! It really is difficult work, and if you don't put it in, you won't change. Let's change together!

-Blue