insomnia bro...

I can't sleep no matter what I do so instead I'm gonna talk to myself publicly online yayy. I just got out of a huge weird episode of my life and I feel so creative to the point of being almost frantic about it. It's like years of my life just flew by while I was waiting to feel better and I suddenly feel so awake and also behind. It's so important to learn how to create from a place of joy/expression even when you feel like shit instead of putting pressure on yourself because of the limitations of identity blah blah something idk. 

Like I used to say god whats wrong with me, my art isn't good anymore, it doesn't feel like me, I'm doing it all wrong. And because I go around saying I'm an artist, I've become my own booing audience/critic every time I so much as pick up a pencil, even though no one sees or cares. WHICH IS NO WAY TO LIVE. Art has to be BAD sometimes. There are a lot of bad feelings inside, so there will be LOTS OF BAD DRAWINGS TOO. And it doesn't make me a bad person to draw something ugly that I hate! But the day I said "fuck art, I'm focusing on music because I enjoy it, because I'm not known as a musician in my personal life and there's no expectation anywhere," then my entire body relaxed at a level I haven't experienced since I was like a baby or something. Literally I feel like I did before all The Events but with more knowledge now. Not to dismiss all the emotional unpacking I've been intentionally doing all year long, but giving myself literal permission to chill out about something has done WONDERS. I think I'm going to do this FOREVER.