i'm so hungry to live (2k words of hatred)

i really hope someone, anyone, is patient enough to read all of this and share their thoughts, be it advice or hate or a joke. i know not many will because it's a long ass text so, if you will, just skip to parts that seem to interest you. don't walk past me like i'm a ghost. maybe read this over a few days

1. school and my time
2. adults
3. jobs and money
4. surveillance, ai and the higher ups
5. body
6. medical attention
7. relationships
8. age
9. feelings

1. school and my time
i don't like school.

people around me always say "it's just a few more years" do you KNOW how much 'a few years' are in 2026 terms? trends and news are passing through our fingers like water, nothing is mainstream for more than 2 weeks, nothing stays the same, people forget about things in one single month. at the rapid pace that our days are in, 1 year will hold the same content that 10 did in the past.

i don't like school because i'm spending 6 hours and 40 minutes of my days in that hellhole. I'M WASTING MY TIME. i have no access to the internet or my phone for that matter, i have no creative outlet except for one notebook and i can't even sit comfortably.

you say "but everyone has to go through it" no shit, and i don't give a fuck about that system because i think it's stupid. i think people should be able to choose how they want to learn. that way we could form better people, better teachers, better artists, better scientists, better caretakers, better cops, better military, better politicians (although no politician will ever be perfect), and in general, just a better society.

i don't want to, i CAN'T learn in an environment where my allergies are popping off, there's people screaming, pushing me around, i'm extremely cold, i can't even see what's going on outside. i can't poke my head out a window and breath some fresh air, i can't touch some grass, and you still say that's a good idea, to keep students trapped for so long in that condition. 

i don't know who decided this law of forbidding homeschool was good and acceptable. 

you say "but think about the socialization", i barely talk to anyone in school outside of 4 classmates of mine. it is a pit of ignorance and i can't bear to be friends with people like that. i'm not saying this in a 'i'm better than everyone else' way, i'm saying this because at least i bother to try to learn new things and become a better person. my peers can't give a fuck about any of that. all of my friends that i frequently talk to and hang out with are not in my class or not even in my school. 

so don't try to give me excuses so i try and "like" school. don't try to tell me i'm young and will miss it. the only thing i'll ever miss is the rare days that feel like they pass quicker, and saturdays. don't say "the workplace is harder", because school is just as mentally draining as any job can be. the only difference is, i'm not paid for the wrecking they're doing to my mind in school.

i wish our rest days were prolonged. 5 days of work with only 2 of rest is way too little.

2. adults

adults tend to act like teenagers don't know anything yet, and that our opinions most DEFINITELY will change and we will most DEFINITELY be 100% different in the future. they say, "that's why you're so angry, your hormones are just wonky!" as if human existence in the 21st century was ever burned down to only hormones.

you KNOW our minds are more complex than that, and yet you sit in your dismissal and find it comfortable. because you like the power trip and you like feeling better than somebody else. they act like they've never been kids before, like they've never felt what we felt before, and never take anything seriously.

i'm an adult, listen to what i say. i'm an adult, i have the upper hand. i'm an adult, so i'm right and you're wrong. i'm an adult, i'm an adult, i'm an adult. calm down, why are you so mad? you know this won't matter when you have a job to go to and a wife and kids to tend to, right?

i'm well aware i'm still immature about a lot of things, and i still get myself into trouble and need someone to be responsible for me because i'm not fully developed. and i'm not saying i am in general more mature than the average adult, but i am for sure working to do so and getting rid of my ignorance day after day. some people just stop trying to think about anything after they turn 35. it's important to try to grow

3. jobs and money

this section will be short. i can't believe after all this grinding and scratching i have to do during my school years, to then grind and scratch for four more years when i'm in college, i still have to grind and scratch more until i'm 60. that's an entire lifetime wasted on a repetitive and exhausting routine of working again and again.

don't say to work a job i like. we all know artists aren't paid shit in this economy and i'll have to become a lawyer in the end. i don't like any jobs, actually. because if i try to do something artsy, i'll quickly burn out of it. i don't like doing anything i do out of obligation. i do things i like because i have freedom and autonomy over them. if i suddenly start selling comissions i'll hate drawing, once again. if i start having to hurry to learn my instrument because i have a gig, i'll start hating my instrument. 

how can i work for so long and earn a penny each year, while billionaires (trillionaires cough) can just sit there with all that money and MAKE MORE MONEY?

which leads me to the next topic which is

4. surveillance, ai and the higher ups

gosh i just fucking hate governments and rich people man. i don't get how you, an average medicine propagandist, can look up to people like e*on m*sk and think "hey, this guy is pretty cool."

these are the same people who say INSANE things all the time, and get away with it because they're rich and powerful. the same people who say they will end the world... but in the meanwhile they'll make space for more companies and corporate, so it's okay!!!

our water is being consumed at even a faster pace.

ai is free because YOU'RE THE PRODUCT. 

i don't care how crazy and conspiracionist i'm about to sound. they give us this technology so that we become dependent on it, and can't do anything without it, and are ADDICTED TO IT, then hide it behind a subscription. they are trying to kill our cognitive skills, so that we are easier to control.

everything i do is watched. as i'm typing this they're reading my emails and feeding shit to ai, using my pictures as fuel, using my art as fuel. they're reading my messages. they're listening, they're looking at my phone's camera. no matter how many VPNs i have they will always have me. they have my face and my id, and my mother's id, and my father's id, and all of their faces, too.

times like this call for a revolution, but i always realize i'm too pussy to do it. i can't take it. i don't want to let go of my comfort, because i have friends across the entire world who i can't bear to lose contact to, and games i like to play, and things i like to do, and in the end i'm so small and have so much left to lose. i have the bread and the circus, and i'm the cattle who is enjoying it, because i'm so stupidly hopeful that we can peacefully solve this as long as the right people die at the right time. 

i am so tired. if only we could all stop agreeing at the same time. but there's our parents, who don't want to let go of this lifestyle, and people who don't even know the bad things happening, and we always think "but what if i'm the only one who doesn't go to work tomorrow?"

all of my dreams are ruined because old people know they're dying soon and don't care to leave the world in a better state

5. body

why am i so policed about my own body?

i can't get a piercing, because once i'm older i'll regret it.
can't have hormones, because what if i want to go back?
can't have top surgery, because, well, i don't need it!
can't get some organ i won't even use and that just makes me suffer out, because what if i want to have kids in the future? you're so young, you can't make that decision yet!
can't change my name or my pronouns, you're so young, you don't have the mind to understand that yet!
i'm tired of being belittled and told i don't know what i'm doing

i'm not even too self conscious in private, but once i go out in public i'm so overly aware about how other people perceive me as a girl and see my body and think i'm a girl. hear my voice and think i'm a girl. i admit, this is also why i don't want to go to school. i don't want anyone else to see me until i'm a completely different vessel and finally the right thing. my name isn't anything you're calling me

6. medical attention

i know there's something wrong with me, and i wouldn't feel this way if there wasn't. if i'm seeking attention, i still need help.

things leave me so exhausted and now i'm going through a long process to diagnosis. all because i "had so many friends" and "no trouble socializing"

you haven't seen me at my low because i don't show it to you, since you always assume it's some bullshit about puberty and PMS. i'm tired of having my feelings boiled down to femininity

7. relationships

every strong and meaningful relationship i ever had was through the internet. there was commitment and there was love and there was consideration and the sheer will to be together. i'm not talking only about romance, this was with friends too. 

maybe it's because i'm not as easily exhausted by interactions on the internet as i am in real life. sometimes i am, and i really still want to spend time with my friends but i can't bring myself to. i don't feel the same IRL. when i'm tired, i don't want to talk to anyone, and i'm fed up with everyone.

maybe there's just a lack of shared interests or communication 

i feel really bad sometimes because i struggle to divide my time between the people i love. for example i have a friend i recently made and my best friend i've known for quite a while now, and while i love them both equally and want to spend time with them i don't want to disappoint one of them when i go hang out with the other. 

now, onto actual romantic matters: it's hard to find people i'm interested in. sometimes i feel like im in love with someone, but it ends up just being extreme platonic love. i don't really get crushes on anyone i meet in real life, it mostly happens online.

i think i have standards that are way too exigent for the average person my age. nobody is gonna have the emotional maturity i'm looking for yet and i understand that, it's no one's fault but my own. i'm also, again, not saying i'm more mature than others my age

sometimes i wish i could speed up time so that i can finally have a taste of love for my own, but then i wonder. will the people i know now really have changed into people i'd be interested in, or would they remain the same? would i continue only taking interest in people who are both unachievable and unethical to like? 

i had a boyfriend once. we dated for only one month before we peacefully broke it off. i don't really know what it was, since i liked him so much when we started dating, but i stopped being attracted to him. i think it was good though, since he was not really in a good mental state to date anyone. 

i know of 2 people in my school who currently have a crush on me, but i really don't like them. not even as friends

i currently have two friends who are dating but they constantly fight and come to me sometimes when they do, so i can give them advice. i don't know what to say because i know they might not be good for each other in the long run but i don't really want to be responsible for the end of someone's relationship, even if i care about them both

8. age

admittedly, sometimes i lie about my age. i have a friend who i have not told my real age to, i told her i was around her age. i did this because i wanted her to see me as an equal, not an apprentice or a little brother or a person who is lesser than her. i know we're both on similar maturity levels, and i know that wouldn't be true for everyone who is her age. that's because we became friends before we knew each other's ages, so i could understand how close we flew to each other before any other assumption.

i know it's dangerous, and i'm taking care not to put myself in any weird situation with anybody. 

i'm sorry to say this and i know how immature i am to say it, but it feels like there's a mutual misunderstanding between me and anyone my age. it's been like this for years. i can't ever get a deep bond with them. 

sometimes i wish i was back to when i was a kid. i miss the playgrounds fitting me, the ballpits, the playing, the chants we'd make up, the hand games, the classes with nice questions that felt fun to answer, the way everyone got along with everyone.

yes, kids do judge, i was a bit odded out for being an alternative dressing kid, but people still played with me regardless. my classroom felt more like a big group of friends. now i don't even know half of the people in my new class' names

i miss how flexible and light my body felt, i could run around and not feel immediately like i'd fall over with black vision. 

i miss the grass and comfy chairs with wide desks they had for us. i miss my dad bringing bread back every night, i miss how i'd fit the backseat of the car laying down, i miss having a sense of community, i miss being a child prodigy

my birthday is coming up soon. i'm pretty excited for the gifts and celebrations and whatnot but i'm concerned about the age i'll be next. i wish i could stay where i am, even though that contradicts the fact that i want to learn and be a better person, because i feel like i didnt enjoy this specific age enough and i'll never be it again. it feels like things are getting too serious for a childish and light person such as me. i don't want to have to accommodate to the new things life will throw at me.

9. feelings

sometimes i feel really shitty and sometimes i feel really good. and i presume everyone feels the same so i don't have anything to worry about, but it throws me off when i go from loving my life and being so happy and carefree to wanting to run away from everything and starving for a better tomorrow

all this in the span of a few hours

i feel like i'm too little of a person to handle the immense capacity of my brain. i'm too small to think this much, i shouldn't be so aware. i feel feral and instinctual but disconnected from my roots because of my consciousness. i feel like i should be out in the sun and roll in the dirt

i always felt kinda animalistic . as a kid i used to identify with therianthropy, but grew out of the identity

i've had people point out that i might be struggling with something related to my mental health, but i always feel too invalid to bother looking up if i DO have something. i'm getting up every morning, i have things to look forward to, i still enjoy and love my hobbies, i'm keeping up with my hygiene, and i only feel this bad sometimes. this blog includes none of what i love in my life on purpose, so i might seem a bit pessimistic here, but i AM enjoying some of the days and doing my best to keep moving and keep convincing myself it's worth it. so does it really need to get looked into?

i might add more things to this as time goes on.

with HATE,
ginger